BS of the Day
"A Common Sense Guide to a World of Crap"
BS of the Day
Year Two
A long delay and here we ago again...
Year Two.
Law school for those fortunate souls who haven't taken it is a lot like bad sex. It starts off rough and hard and eventually you realize that was as exciting/nerve racking as it was going to get and now you are just passing each day not wanting the worst of it but wondering if there is something more to look forward to or have you gotten the craziness all out.
You remember all the same faces, some of them regrettable...
And you wonder in general, whats in store, what are you doing, why are you here...
So the first day begins and we all come in shining and smiling, knowing the fate that beholds us finally and knowing that it won't differentiate too much from the norm...the books are packed, highlighted, not really read, while the underclassman scramble and squander their days looking for the right classroom assignment, the right book, the right way to walk, the right way to talk, the right to be that we have given up on a long time ago, in the face of a deadening job market and the "lets hold on for one more night" feelings of undergrad slipping from our grasp. We look back, we look forward, we look nowhere and at the same time somehow everywhere at the same time.
But as I said bad sex...
The first days begin with the feeling of animosity filled notoriety...christ, him again or her again or not this again fills every gap in conversation, every question that flies over your head is how do I frame my last couple months to either be about how i don't give a shit about how meaningless or thoughtless provoking the summer was or no i had an amazing summer oh you did much worse, im sorry, got a break thats how these things run conversations that go on and on, all the more fruitless, all the more pointless. So you see familiar faces, nothing comes to mind but feelings of could/shoulda/woulda/ and all and all it doesn't matter much. Changes move softly in the legal world, and all changes base themselves on arrogance. Who has come out of the past two months smelling their own shit and declaring it tulips and who has done the same and declared it what it was. None of us with a clue to what we're doing, all of us pretending like we do. You forget quickly the bad decisions, the bad mistakes, the bad miscues and declare avidly and averidly, that THIS TIME IT WILL BE DIFFERENT! without knowing much of what to change or what actually has to. And even more, not caring either way. But, when in Rome.
You pretend, you act, you fake it.
The ghosts of the past year haunt you back as much as you haunt them, sitting around that cemetery too long, you talk about long gone assignments and make up answers to your failings, your faulters, your miscues.
Because in the end, thats what you feel like you must do. But in reality, in truth, in fact, none of it really matters. We all trip through the same mistakes and call them "momentary relapses", but in fact those who still can, call it being human. And we grandly stand above those who admonish it and stare down, with feelings equal with envy and pity, caring and not, watching and looking the other way all at once. We buy into it all and we sell out all at the same time. Because when the veil drops, when the facade falls, when the fog of disillusionment is lifted, where do we all lie but where we began, flawed and misled, assholes and arrogant, dying to prove that there is some validation to any of those feelings or actions or motives.
And so it begins again, day 1, all ripe and replete, to make it as awkward as possible for those trying to make it more serious than it is. All reliving horrible sex and trying to justify it in the morning for a second go. Maybe it improves, maybe the best is behind you, all you can do is hope, and dream, and wonder, and say it fuck it, its better than working. Cheers.
Getting you off...one mini bolt at a time
Move over IPhone. A new invention is finally out on the market that is greater than the TV, internet and even sliced bread combined. The Robo-Girlfriend. Yes for all those men out there who have been waiting anxiously for science to do away with the greatest human mystery, How to meet a Woman, the day has finally come where you can just go buy one. Sure, the price tag is high ($175) and is actually much more than just going to get a prostitute, but a prostitute will only take care of that most primal need, human contact and meaningless sex, the Robo-Girlfriend however does neither of these but all the other things you would expect of a partner.
Says spokeswoman, Minako Sakanoue: "She's very lovable and though she's not a human, she can act like a real girlfriend." The list of things she can do like a real girlfriend include leaning in for a kiss when she senses a human body around (apparently the robo-girlfriend is a undiscerning whore), as well as sing and dance and ...."hand out business cards." (?)
All of this sounds well and good. I mean what man hasn't dreamed of a girlfriend that sings, dances and... hands out business cards. And as Reuters reports "She is big-busted, petite, very friendly, and she runs on batteries." I mean where's the downside? Oh there's a downside. Beyond the no-sex aspect of your Robo girlfriend, not to mention the cost, she runs a "petite" 15 inches tall.
Basically you're now dating a motorized Barbie doll that dresses like a storm trooper and hands out business cards. And generating business might be tough when potential clients see you making out with a GI Joe. I mean who are we to judge, maybe this is exactly what you need to cure those lonely blues. But before you buy and waste all that money that clearly needs to be spent on psychiatrists or the aforementioned whores, lets take a look at other products the company behind the Robo-Girlfriend, Sega Toys, makes...
well there's this...
and this....
and whatever the hell this is...
.
Frightening.
So maybe take the robot aspect out of it, and just factor in your new "girlfriend" coming from parents that also created a mind control device, a gay pony, and took the term Hello Kitty to mean impaling a cat head with an LCD screen. Forget about intimacy, just fucking run.
Says spokeswoman, Minako Sakanoue: "She's very lovable and though she's not a human, she can act like a real girlfriend." The list of things she can do like a real girlfriend include leaning in for a kiss when she senses a human body around (apparently the robo-girlfriend is a undiscerning whore), as well as sing and dance and ...."hand out business cards." (?)
All of this sounds well and good. I mean what man hasn't dreamed of a girlfriend that sings, dances and... hands out business cards. And as Reuters reports "She is big-busted, petite, very friendly, and she runs on batteries." I mean where's the downside? Oh there's a downside. Beyond the no-sex aspect of your Robo girlfriend, not to mention the cost, she runs a "petite" 15 inches tall.
Basically you're now dating a motorized Barbie doll that dresses like a storm trooper and hands out business cards. And generating business might be tough when potential clients see you making out with a GI Joe. I mean who are we to judge, maybe this is exactly what you need to cure those lonely blues. But before you buy and waste all that money that clearly needs to be spent on psychiatrists or the aforementioned whores, lets take a look at other products the company behind the Robo-Girlfriend, Sega Toys, makes...
well there's this...
and this....
and whatever the hell this is...
.Frightening.
So maybe take the robot aspect out of it, and just factor in your new "girlfriend" coming from parents that also created a mind control device, a gay pony, and took the term Hello Kitty to mean impaling a cat head with an LCD screen. Forget about intimacy, just fucking run.
Mud Fearing Pig Wears Wee Little Boots and Other Necessary Info
Ahh the slow news week, the interminable hazard flag of 24 hour coverage. With the easy access talking points of the primaries ending as well as the all important news story American Idol, the news conglomerates have had to scramble a little to come up with real journalism, stories that rise out of reporter grit and determination to bring you news that you need to know, not what the media talking heads are harping about ad nauseum. To honor their efforts, here are the top 5 important stories of the past two weeks featured on CNN.
5. Mud Fearing Pig Wears Wee Little Boots
In a "Breaking News Video", CNN reports "A pig in Bedale, England, is afraid of the mud, so her owners got her a pair of tiny boots." What isn't obvious from the video is why the pig is afraid of mud? Or for that matter if the pig is afraid of mud, since its back feet seem fine? What is infinitely less obvious is why in the hell putting boots on a pig is not only news, but international news.
4. Medics Tried to Revive Tim Russert
I believe we were all struck by the suddenness of Tim Russert's death and that grief has been pored over many times in the past few days to an awkward degree, as Slate's Jack Shafer points out. However, luckily fear not, CNN informs us in a full story that medics did indeed attempt to do their job. In a full story tomorrow, "Medics Reply 'Ah Fuck it' to Young Boy in Burning Building".
3. Pamela and Tommy Lee back on again/ Amy Winehouse faints, hospitalized
It's far too easy to be cynical about these two stories, in fact its nearly impossible not to. But who doesn't love a good love story? Love triumphing over adversity, two people realizing they can't live without each other, getting back together for the kids. Not to mention, the harrowing tale of a young singer and the collective gasp heard amongst fans worried about her health. Of course, if you take the names from the story its actually about a Hep-addled 40 something stripper getting back with her old drummer boyfriend and a drug addict passing out. In other news this week, the sun rose.
Which is more surprising? 
2. Housework and Sex: Whats the Connection?
As the article reports, "Jen Simmons loves to watch her husband Danny tend to their two little boys, mop the floor or hang a picture. She also finds it sexy."
It is not surprising that women have figured out that men can be talked into doing housework if the payoff
is sex. It isn't really even that odd that men clearly are falling for it. But the question is how did Jen Simmons become the face of this movement. Can common sense really have a leader? Either way as the picture shows husband "Danny" really doesn't need to be procreating, so for the sake of the rest of us, maybe it'd be better
if Jen just promised him a candy bar. Or that he doesn't have to sleep in a cage anymore...
1. Shatner Watches Star Trek
Literally, there is no way to fully capture the insanity..i mean cultural significance... of this article without quoting a few parts:
"One recent week, William Shatner did something he hadn't done for many years -- watched the original "Star Trek." It was kind of an accident...this particular night, though, he was recovering from hip surgery and couldn't sleep, so he was watching TV. An old episode came on -- the one where the crew of the USS Enterprise visited a society that had modeled itself after Chicago gangsters of the 1920s. Kirk and Spock dressed up in pinstripe suits and held court as tough guys.
.... This was headline news.....someone actually either called William Shatner about his TV watching or William Shatner called CNN to let them know....either way, it was reported...as news. We may literally be a couple days of slow news away from CNN video of Pauly Shore taking bong hits and watching Encino Man, pontificating about the role a caveman would play in modern day Southern California. Thank you CNN, keep reaching for those stars!
5. Mud Fearing Pig Wears Wee Little Boots
In a "Breaking News Video", CNN reports "A pig in Bedale, England, is afraid of the mud, so her owners got her a pair of tiny boots." What isn't obvious from the video is why the pig is afraid of mud? Or for that matter if the pig is afraid of mud, since its back feet seem fine? What is infinitely less obvious is why in the hell putting boots on a pig is not only news, but international news.
4. Medics Tried to Revive Tim Russert
I believe we were all struck by the suddenness of Tim Russert's death and that grief has been pored over many times in the past few days to an awkward degree, as Slate's Jack Shafer points out. However, luckily fear not, CNN informs us in a full story that medics did indeed attempt to do their job. In a full story tomorrow, "Medics Reply 'Ah Fuck it' to Young Boy in Burning Building".
3. Pamela and Tommy Lee back on again/ Amy Winehouse faints, hospitalized
It's far too easy to be cynical about these two stories, in fact its nearly impossible not to. But who doesn't love a good love story? Love triumphing over adversity, two people realizing they can't live without each other, getting back together for the kids. Not to mention, the harrowing tale of a young singer and the collective gasp heard amongst fans worried about her health. Of course, if you take the names from the story its actually about a Hep-addled 40 something stripper getting back with her old drummer boyfriend and a drug addict passing out. In other news this week, the sun rose.
Which is more surprising? 2. Housework and Sex: Whats the Connection?
As the article reports, "Jen Simmons loves to watch her husband Danny tend to their two little boys, mop the floor or hang a picture. She also finds it sexy."
It is not surprising that women have figured out that men can be talked into doing housework if the payoff
is sex. It isn't really even that odd that men clearly are falling for it. But the question is how did Jen Simmons become the face of this movement. Can common sense really have a leader? Either way as the picture shows husband "Danny" really doesn't need to be procreating, so for the sake of the rest of us, maybe it'd be better
if Jen just promised him a candy bar. Or that he doesn't have to sleep in a cage anymore...
1. Shatner Watches Star Trek
Literally, there is no way to fully capture the insanity..i mean cultural significance... of this article without quoting a few parts:
"One recent week, William Shatner did something he hadn't done for many years -- watched the original "Star Trek." It was kind of an accident...this particular night, though, he was recovering from hip surgery and couldn't sleep, so he was watching TV. An old episode came on -- the one where the crew of the USS Enterprise visited a society that had modeled itself after Chicago gangsters of the 1920s. Kirk and Spock dressed up in pinstripe suits and held court as tough guys.
Watching, Shatner was more pleased than he expected.
"I haven't seen myself playing Captain Kirk in a long, long time," he says. "And I watched it now, from my perspective of 40 years later, and I thought, 'You know, that's rather good.' It's a starship captain trying to do the accent, the Noo Yawk accent, trying to play tough, trying to be one of the guys. It's not quite right, but it's what a starship captain would have done -- a decent imitation, enough to fool those guys but not the audience."
.... This was headline news.....someone actually either called William Shatner about his TV watching or William Shatner called CNN to let them know....either way, it was reported...as news. We may literally be a couple days of slow news away from CNN video of Pauly Shore taking bong hits and watching Encino Man, pontificating about the role a caveman would play in modern day Southern California. Thank you CNN, keep reaching for those stars!
Ray of Controversy
Looking at current affairs and the "War on Terror", there seems to be something inherently missing these days. Spies. I mean the cold war had intrigue, Bond villains, the works, but gone seem to be the days of the menacing Rosenbergs or the Nazi spy rifling through JFK's boudoir after he rifled through her. As such we have become lazy in identifying these insurgents, only picking up on the overly confident agents like Barack Hussein Obama who don't even take the time to come up with an alias. Lucky for us, stalwart writers like Michelle Malkin are still out there.
Malkin, pictured here emulating Christ,
recently brought attention to the interminably peppy Rachel Ray wearing a keffiyeh in a new Dunkin' Donuts commercial. The keffiyeh, worn by other infamous politicos like Mary Kate Olson and this random douchebag,
is a traditional scarf worn in the Arab world by infamous extremists like Yasser Arafat as a symbol of their affinities as well as by random Arabs to keep the sun off of them. But in Ray's case Malkin says it best herself: "I’m hoping her hate couture choice was spurred more by ignorance than ideology."
Now maybe we should let Ray off the hook on pure ignorance that she was just handed something to wear, especially when you factor in that in fact it was not a keffiyeh but rather just a black and white scarf. And sure we could just chalk it up to ridiculous McCarthy-like Xenophobia. Except for the added involvement of Dunkin Donuts. See, Dunkin' has been the hot bed for extremist sympathizing for years from their Hitler impersonators:
to their "Man in the Yellow Hat" contingent.
And now Ray. In hindsight, we really should have known Muslim extremist would be in bed with a company centered around that bastion of Islamic culture: over-sweetened coffee and high fat snack food.
Sadly in her article, Malkin attacks Ray but then steps back to simply hype another donut shop. "They specialize in hot, hand-dipped, made-to-order donuts that are pure heaven. Yummmmmm." It seems even our truest watchdogs can be bought off. The ad has been pulled since Malkin's article. But could it be too late? Once extremists get to Rachel Ray, who knows who could be next? Think of all the vaguely noticeable celebrities that could be talked into doing subversive Dunkin Donuts commercials? We could be awash in burkas and cardamom krullers by weeks end, care of some seemingly harmless Kelly Ripa spot. So stand strong in the face of this confectionery wolf in fat kid's clothing. Else, the world shall indeed not end with a bang, but rather the whimper of a stomach ache and the deafening silence of a food coma.
Malkin, pictured here emulating Christ,
recently brought attention to the interminably peppy Rachel Ray wearing a keffiyeh in a new Dunkin' Donuts commercial. The keffiyeh, worn by other infamous politicos like Mary Kate Olson and this random douchebag,
is a traditional scarf worn in the Arab world by infamous extremists like Yasser Arafat as a symbol of their affinities as well as by random Arabs to keep the sun off of them. But in Ray's case Malkin says it best herself: "I’m hoping her hate couture choice was spurred more by ignorance than ideology."
Now maybe we should let Ray off the hook on pure ignorance that she was just handed something to wear, especially when you factor in that in fact it was not a keffiyeh but rather just a black and white scarf. And sure we could just chalk it up to ridiculous McCarthy-like Xenophobia. Except for the added involvement of Dunkin Donuts. See, Dunkin' has been the hot bed for extremist sympathizing for years from their Hitler impersonators:
to their "Man in the Yellow Hat" contingent.
And now Ray. In hindsight, we really should have known Muslim extremist would be in bed with a company centered around that bastion of Islamic culture: over-sweetened coffee and high fat snack food.
Sadly in her article, Malkin attacks Ray but then steps back to simply hype another donut shop. "They specialize in hot, hand-dipped, made-to-order donuts that are pure heaven. Yummmmmm." It seems even our truest watchdogs can be bought off. The ad has been pulled since Malkin's article. But could it be too late? Once extremists get to Rachel Ray, who knows who could be next? Think of all the vaguely noticeable celebrities that could be talked into doing subversive Dunkin Donuts commercials? We could be awash in burkas and cardamom krullers by weeks end, care of some seemingly harmless Kelly Ripa spot. So stand strong in the face of this confectionery wolf in fat kid's clothing. Else, the world shall indeed not end with a bang, but rather the whimper of a stomach ache and the deafening silence of a food coma.
Drinking with People Better Than You
As the primaries seem to be finally winding down, and especially after the past couple weeks through the rough and tumble working man areas in Penn and Indiana, the question has come up again and again from pundits and candidates alike. Who would you rather grab a beer with? Sure it doesn't mean much politically but supposedly it catches that certain likability and down to earth charm that people apparently need in a candidate. Of course, as an experienced bar rat, I have never met a person I've drank with in a bar and thought they would make a great president, but I digress. Supposedly there is something to the drinking aspect of your candidate that matters, but at the same time there are so many kinds of drinkers. There really isn't one sit down have a beer personality that is the perfect drinking buddy, its a nuanced art. So, we present the exact type of drinking buddy the people still in the process would be.
John McCain
"Coach"
McCain is the candidate most likely to already be behind the bar when you get there. He's old, rambles a bit but probably has a lot of great stories from his glory days that he'll talk your ear off all night on. Definitely the most fun to drop a few back with, but around the fourth time he tells you the story of the time he met Eisenhower, you start to wonder if he's playing with a full deck. Favorite drink: Beer. Cheaper the better. Anything he can drink that he remembers when it cost a nickel.
Bill Clinton
Sam Malone
Not really in the game anymore, but likes to rub shoulders with anyone who is and like coach, tell stories about his heyday. Would give anything for another chance at the big time, since his first was wasted with booze and women. He's talkative, charming and flirty, and has nailed more girls in the bar than he can count. Keeps trying to have sex with Diane (see below) but to no avail. A great person to drink with, but don't bring your girlfriend along, has a tendency to get a bit selfish. Favorite drink: Shots. Beer. Whiskey. Whatever it takes to get to the good stuff.
Hillary Clinton
Diane Chambers
Smart, savvy but greatest weakness is the fact that none of the other customers really seem to like her. Tries to be as likable as the others in the bar, but can't quite pull it off. A little cold, a little distant, and probably sees herself as a little too good to be hanging out with the rest of the losers. At the same time, she'll smile and try to fake it whenever possible. Will more than likely have a beer if you offer but will change it to a vodka/cranberry the second you look away.
Barack Obama
Frasier Crane
Eloquent and intelligent, but often called an elitist. While a little too reserved and distant to knock back shots at the bar, can still rub shoulders with the dregs of society. Will impress everyone in the bar with his speeches and concise explanations, but not particularly good at the dirty banter/debate. Has love/hate relationship with Diane, possibly because they are the most alike in the bar. Favorite drink: White Russian - Equal parts African Kahlua, Kansas dairy milk, and some vodka called Change.
Ron Paul
Cliff Clavin
Will talk, and talk, and talk. Knows a little bit about everything, and is pretty certain he is the only one who knows the right things. Could argue with Norm all day long, with no one else really knowing what they are talking about. Beer drinker, because he really can't afford anything else, but knows more about that beer than you ever cared to know. Also...more than likely still lives with his mother.
Ralph Nader
Norm Peterson
Generally well liked but no one really knows why. No clue what he actually does on an everyday basis but whether election or happy hour, he shows up like clockwork. Also not really clear on how he pays his tab, but nevertheless. He seems to have no real aspirations, instead is just kind of happy to be around. Favorite drink: A little bit of what everyone else is trying to drink.
John McCain
"Coach"
McCain is the candidate most likely to already be behind the bar when you get there. He's old, rambles a bit but probably has a lot of great stories from his glory days that he'll talk your ear off all night on. Definitely the most fun to drop a few back with, but around the fourth time he tells you the story of the time he met Eisenhower, you start to wonder if he's playing with a full deck. Favorite drink: Beer. Cheaper the better. Anything he can drink that he remembers when it cost a nickel.
Bill Clinton
Sam Malone
Not really in the game anymore, but likes to rub shoulders with anyone who is and like coach, tell stories about his heyday. Would give anything for another chance at the big time, since his first was wasted with booze and women. He's talkative, charming and flirty, and has nailed more girls in the bar than he can count. Keeps trying to have sex with Diane (see below) but to no avail. A great person to drink with, but don't bring your girlfriend along, has a tendency to get a bit selfish. Favorite drink: Shots. Beer. Whiskey. Whatever it takes to get to the good stuff.
Hillary Clinton
Diane Chambers
Smart, savvy but greatest weakness is the fact that none of the other customers really seem to like her. Tries to be as likable as the others in the bar, but can't quite pull it off. A little cold, a little distant, and probably sees herself as a little too good to be hanging out with the rest of the losers. At the same time, she'll smile and try to fake it whenever possible. Will more than likely have a beer if you offer but will change it to a vodka/cranberry the second you look away.
Barack Obama
Frasier Crane
Eloquent and intelligent, but often called an elitist. While a little too reserved and distant to knock back shots at the bar, can still rub shoulders with the dregs of society. Will impress everyone in the bar with his speeches and concise explanations, but not particularly good at the dirty banter/debate. Has love/hate relationship with Diane, possibly because they are the most alike in the bar. Favorite drink: White Russian - Equal parts African Kahlua, Kansas dairy milk, and some vodka called Change.
Ron Paul
Cliff Clavin
Will talk, and talk, and talk. Knows a little bit about everything, and is pretty certain he is the only one who knows the right things. Could argue with Norm all day long, with no one else really knowing what they are talking about. Beer drinker, because he really can't afford anything else, but knows more about that beer than you ever cared to know. Also...more than likely still lives with his mother.
Ralph Nader
Norm Peterson
Generally well liked but no one really knows why. No clue what he actually does on an everyday basis but whether election or happy hour, he shows up like clockwork. Also not really clear on how he pays his tab, but nevertheless. He seems to have no real aspirations, instead is just kind of happy to be around. Favorite drink: A little bit of what everyone else is trying to drink.
Looney Balloons
Due to maybe the current airline crisis and rising costs, or perhaps to a new adventure sport bend or perhaps to just sheer stupidity, people are taking to the skies in ways only dreamed up in cartoons: by balloons. Not large hot air balloons but a shit-load of typical helium balloons.
Yes, like a pothead watching The Red Balloon, seemingly sane people have been looking at our airy latex friends and thinking "We could float together!" Or as cluster-balloon enthusiast John Ninomiya puts it: "Have you ever dreamed of being carried into the sky by a giant bouquet of colorful toy balloons?" If your answer is "Not at all actually" then you are either older than 6 or not a cartoon character. Ninomiya is apparently the only person in North America who has flown the Cluster-balloon and one of a select few to fly a Cloudhopper, which is essentially a hot air balloon without a basket, and like the Rocketeer or Wily Coyote you have a jet pack strapped to your back shooting flames into the balloon. Sure it sounds pointlessly dangerous, but Ninomiya believes it is more than that. "Unless you're really pathologically gregarious, you probably enjoy some occasional time by yourself, and with a Cloudhopper, you discover that flying a balloon is a wonderful way to spend that time."
There is of course a down side to all that fraternizing with mylar and that is death. For example, the case of Father Adelir Antonio de Carli of Brazil, a Catholic priest who disappeared this week, after floating off on the awesome power of 1000 balloons in an attempt to raise money for a truck stop parish. While offering to do something incredibly stupid is always a great way to get money from people, there should be so many more options before "I'll attach a thousand balloons to myself." The balloons, meanwhile, have been found floating off the coast of Brazil proving that while we may love balloons, they will inevitably abandon you when the going gets rough.
This balloon selfishness has even gone so far that some states have outlawed any release of 20 or more balloons into the air. The bill started in Maryland after the unfortunate balloon attack on Inky, a year old sperm whale, that washed up on the Jersey shore. Animal rescue then went through a ridiculous six operations on the whale to remove three feet of balloon plastic from her intestines. While Inky survived, it is unknown whether the cluster-ballooner she clearly swallowed is still in her stomach, perhaps waiting for his puppet to become a real boy so that they can sail away together to a balloon paradise. Because once you've dedicated yourself to the sweet solitude of just you and your balloons, who knows how lonely your life has become.
Yes, like a pothead watching The Red Balloon, seemingly sane people have been looking at our airy latex friends and thinking "We could float together!" Or as cluster-balloon enthusiast John Ninomiya puts it: "Have you ever dreamed of being carried into the sky by a giant bouquet of colorful toy balloons?" If your answer is "Not at all actually" then you are either older than 6 or not a cartoon character. Ninomiya is apparently the only person in North America who has flown the Cluster-balloon and one of a select few to fly a Cloudhopper, which is essentially a hot air balloon without a basket, and like the Rocketeer or Wily Coyote you have a jet pack strapped to your back shooting flames into the balloon. Sure it sounds pointlessly dangerous, but Ninomiya believes it is more than that. "Unless you're really pathologically gregarious, you probably enjoy some occasional time by yourself, and with a Cloudhopper, you discover that flying a balloon is a wonderful way to spend that time."
There is of course a down side to all that fraternizing with mylar and that is death. For example, the case of Father Adelir Antonio de Carli of Brazil, a Catholic priest who disappeared this week, after floating off on the awesome power of 1000 balloons in an attempt to raise money for a truck stop parish. While offering to do something incredibly stupid is always a great way to get money from people, there should be so many more options before "I'll attach a thousand balloons to myself." The balloons, meanwhile, have been found floating off the coast of Brazil proving that while we may love balloons, they will inevitably abandon you when the going gets rough.
This balloon selfishness has even gone so far that some states have outlawed any release of 20 or more balloons into the air. The bill started in Maryland after the unfortunate balloon attack on Inky, a year old sperm whale, that washed up on the Jersey shore. Animal rescue then went through a ridiculous six operations on the whale to remove three feet of balloon plastic from her intestines. While Inky survived, it is unknown whether the cluster-ballooner she clearly swallowed is still in her stomach, perhaps waiting for his puppet to become a real boy so that they can sail away together to a balloon paradise. Because once you've dedicated yourself to the sweet solitude of just you and your balloons, who knows how lonely your life has become.
Protesting...protesting
After a few scares last week, the Olympic torch has just made it through Indonesia, as it continues its treacherous world wide trek to become history's most overblown flame (insert your own gay joke here). But, come on protesters this is all you got? Trying to blow out a fire? I mean this is a country founded on protests, with each one following the arc of the next, learning from the mistakes to get more effective. Look no further than the Boston Tea Party. Excellent non-violent protest, getting piss drunk, dressing up as Indians and dumping goods in the water as a supreme "F. You" to taxes and simultaneously becoming a rallying point of an entire revolution and turning Boston Harbor into this...
By the time you get to the 1960's protests were an art form. From the peaceful, yet ballsy ones,
to the awe-inspiring marches,
to the oddly named "Burn your bra in front of Billy Joel" variety.
So obviously protesters you have a long history to chose from, a great tapestry of intelligently sticking it to the man and through that reaching the masses on injustice. Blowing out a torch? Thats just not trying hard enough to get your message across, its too simple. You need something great, something that people will look at pictures at for years with reverence and emotion. Like the Tiananmen Square tank standoff or the raised fist at the Olympics. You always need to remember that a smart protest can be a powerful motivator instilled...
with um....great and noble....
ideals...and....
What the fuck?
Are you people protesting or initiating into a frat? You do realize that the point of a protest is to make people agree with you, not make sane people want to hit you with a tire iron, right? As a general rule, if the comment "People will see our point when they see our nuts" comes up in your group meeting, take a moment to be objective. Has this ever worked? Would a "Big Guns, Big Dicks" NRA calendar convince you of the merits of the 2nd amendment? How about Nazi hookers convincing you of the tenets of National socialism? (Quiet down F1 driving fans) And as far as I know James Carville is not known as the Ragin' Cagin because he won debates with a prominent display of his erection. How did modern protests become a combination of annoying and really fucking annoying?
You see kids 'shock value" gets you exactly that...shock. That is usually proceeded by disgust and then either dismissal or the tire iron I spoke about above. So lets take a quick break, put your pants back on, and figure out the one or two most important issues to collectively protest about (I'm looking at you "Free Paris" fans). Then for every person that suggests something such as the "Vomit-In", you're getting smacked over the head with a sandwich board and donating fifty dollars for your stupidity. By the time, we collect all the dumbass ideas, we'll have collected enough "donations" to get some changes made through the most effective protest sign there is:
Cash.
By the time you get to the 1960's protests were an art form. From the peaceful, yet ballsy ones,
to the awe-inspiring marches,
to the oddly named "Burn your bra in front of Billy Joel" variety.
So obviously protesters you have a long history to chose from, a great tapestry of intelligently sticking it to the man and through that reaching the masses on injustice. Blowing out a torch? Thats just not trying hard enough to get your message across, its too simple. You need something great, something that people will look at pictures at for years with reverence and emotion. Like the Tiananmen Square tank standoff or the raised fist at the Olympics. You always need to remember that a smart protest can be a powerful motivator instilled...
with um....great and noble....
ideals...and....
What the fuck?
Are you people protesting or initiating into a frat? You do realize that the point of a protest is to make people agree with you, not make sane people want to hit you with a tire iron, right? As a general rule, if the comment "People will see our point when they see our nuts" comes up in your group meeting, take a moment to be objective. Has this ever worked? Would a "Big Guns, Big Dicks" NRA calendar convince you of the merits of the 2nd amendment? How about Nazi hookers convincing you of the tenets of National socialism? (Quiet down F1 driving fans) And as far as I know James Carville is not known as the Ragin' Cagin because he won debates with a prominent display of his erection. How did modern protests become a combination of annoying and really fucking annoying?
You see kids 'shock value" gets you exactly that...shock. That is usually proceeded by disgust and then either dismissal or the tire iron I spoke about above. So lets take a quick break, put your pants back on, and figure out the one or two most important issues to collectively protest about (I'm looking at you "Free Paris" fans). Then for every person that suggests something such as the "Vomit-In", you're getting smacked over the head with a sandwich board and donating fifty dollars for your stupidity. By the time, we collect all the dumbass ideas, we'll have collected enough "donations" to get some changes made through the most effective protest sign there is:
Cash.
Sorry..The Kids Are Right
We here at "BS of the Day" would like to respectfully offer a retraction and full apology for our article last week entitled "The Kids Ain't Right." Under advisement from our families and newly hired security, we would like to address the following letter to kids around the world to hopefully bury the hatche...um poor choice of words...offer an olive branch so to speak in hopes that we can live together peacefully.
"Hey kids...don't really know what to say here. I know last week we called you 'evil' and advised 'wiping you off the face of the earth'. Haha we were just joking, you know, ha ha funny joke, no need to get all angry about it. Or you can...um whatever makes you happy really. Ha ha. Did you want another ice cream? Because you've all been very good. Yes you have. There you go. See...we kinda thought the whole Georgia thing was funny...really. All your little brains scheming to take down your teacher. Funny little shenanigans, and to be fair, we kind of giggled at the thought of you crazy 3rd graders trying to tie down a grown-up, struggling like the Lilliputians on Gulliver. You're so adult looking but not completely. You seemed entertaining, like chimps. But just like in Planet of the Apes, we heeded the warnings too late that you were hell bent on destruction. Then we saw Tyler Hemmert, the young boy in Vancouver, WA who survived this...
We, to be quite honest, just shit our pants. You apparently mean business.
To make sure we got all the facts straight..this is what the newspapers reported:
"Tyler Hemmert said he and a friend were sitting on a park bench when another boy became angry with them and threw a knife at them, KPTV in Beaverton, Ore., reported. "When he threw it, we both ducked," said Nate Leach, Tyler's friend. "It just stuck him in the head." The butter knife became lodged in Tyler's head between his scalp and skull. "It, like, stung like a bee for a while," Tyler said."
While other people read this and laughed it off, we saw the two valuable lessons you clearly are trying to show us. You are indestructible (stung like a bee for a while?!?) and even more terrifying, can throw weapons with pinpoint accuracy. I mean, whichever kid threw that (the police won't release his name...out of pure undeniable fear) not only threw a dull butter knife into someone's head but with enough accuracy to not pierce the skull. We can't even open envelopes without tearing the letter and you somehow pierced up to the hilt of the knife the little area between the skin and the skull, which to be fair we didn't even know existed.
So its obvious we weren't taking you seriously enough...or your training films..
How the hell did you enlist Hulk Hogan already? How long have you been planning this? Alright, alright, we're asking too many questions. Sorry. But knowing that we aren't a quarter of the man the Hulkster is, we at "BS of the Day" are bowing to the inevitable. Listen kids we're on your side. Always have been really. But we had to you know keep up appearances with other adults. Not anymore though, now its whatever you say. That toy you wanted...its yours. Stay up past your bedtimes? Sure. Waffles for dinner...why not? Just please please don't hurt us."
"Hey kids...don't really know what to say here. I know last week we called you 'evil' and advised 'wiping you off the face of the earth'. Haha we were just joking, you know, ha ha funny joke, no need to get all angry about it. Or you can...um whatever makes you happy really. Ha ha. Did you want another ice cream? Because you've all been very good. Yes you have. There you go. See...we kinda thought the whole Georgia thing was funny...really. All your little brains scheming to take down your teacher. Funny little shenanigans, and to be fair, we kind of giggled at the thought of you crazy 3rd graders trying to tie down a grown-up, struggling like the Lilliputians on Gulliver. You're so adult looking but not completely. You seemed entertaining, like chimps. But just like in Planet of the Apes, we heeded the warnings too late that you were hell bent on destruction. Then we saw Tyler Hemmert, the young boy in Vancouver, WA who survived this...
We, to be quite honest, just shit our pants. You apparently mean business.
To make sure we got all the facts straight..this is what the newspapers reported:
"Tyler Hemmert said he and a friend were sitting on a park bench when another boy became angry with them and threw a knife at them, KPTV in Beaverton, Ore., reported. "When he threw it, we both ducked," said Nate Leach, Tyler's friend. "It just stuck him in the head." The butter knife became lodged in Tyler's head between his scalp and skull. "It, like, stung like a bee for a while," Tyler said."
While other people read this and laughed it off, we saw the two valuable lessons you clearly are trying to show us. You are indestructible (stung like a bee for a while?!?) and even more terrifying, can throw weapons with pinpoint accuracy. I mean, whichever kid threw that (the police won't release his name...out of pure undeniable fear) not only threw a dull butter knife into someone's head but with enough accuracy to not pierce the skull. We can't even open envelopes without tearing the letter and you somehow pierced up to the hilt of the knife the little area between the skin and the skull, which to be fair we didn't even know existed.
So its obvious we weren't taking you seriously enough...or your training films..
How the hell did you enlist Hulk Hogan already? How long have you been planning this? Alright, alright, we're asking too many questions. Sorry. But knowing that we aren't a quarter of the man the Hulkster is, we at "BS of the Day" are bowing to the inevitable. Listen kids we're on your side. Always have been really. But we had to you know keep up appearances with other adults. Not anymore though, now its whatever you say. That toy you wanted...its yours. Stay up past your bedtimes? Sure. Waffles for dinner...why not? Just please please don't hurt us."
The Best of the Rest?
As the primary election has dragged on...and on...and on, the media scrutiny is now so high Wolf Blitzer gets a boner anytime the words "Wright", "Sniper Fire" or "Bitter" come up. Whether its Obama's crazy preacher, Hillary doing her greatest Traci Flick impersonation, or McCain having a black man hold an umbrella over him during his MLK speech (...seriously?), we may need a whole other batch of candidates to go through before we even get to the election as this group clearly has a lot of image problems. So BS of the Day presents some alternate candidates...and why they don't have a snowballs chance in hell either.
George Washington
Positives: Founded country, war hero, reportedly cannot tell a lie though that itself could have been a lie
Negatives:
Supports cutting down cherry trees, so clearly anti - environment; too old - has wooden teeth; Rumored to actually be British, says he is now American, but can we trust him?
Sound Byte: "Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder." - Lobbyists just simultaneously orgasmed.
Verdict: If photographs turn up of him in British uniform, campaign sunk.
Shit.
Thomas Jefferson
Positives: Wrote Declaration of Independence, experience as Governor, Vice-President and Secretary of State, founded University of Virginia
Negatives: Declared "all men created equal" but had slaves so a flip-flopper; Also...had slaves; Also...slept with slaves; Pro-French; Virginia invaded twice while he was governor so weak on defense; Wrote own Bible, there goes the Bible Belt and generally the South
Sound Bytes: "Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies." - Probably a socialist.
Verdict: Loves fur - PETA would knock him out of the running singlehandedly with CNN running a non-stop loop of him getting doused with red paint by a protestor
Franklin Roosevelt
Positives: Cousin was President, so has experience;
Negatives: Crippled; Married cousin - making his love of the American family kind of creepy and literal; adulterer...but in a wheelchair so that's actually kind of impressive...we'll make that a positive; hyper - liberal that is all for social welfare, probably too far left
Sound Bytes: "A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned to walk forward." - ....But he's crippled.
"Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can't even lift them." - Very crippled.
Verdict: A handicapped President? Come on, I don't know if America is ready for that. Wait you're turn behind racism and sexism.
Abraham Lincoln
Positives: Umm...a good public speaker...
Negatives: Next to no experience; only 18 months of schooling; never belonged to a church; vehemently against Mexican-American war so obviously weak on immigration; defended a murderer while an attorney; suffers depression so not in stable mental state; doesn't look presidential - actually looks like Lurch from the Adams Family;
Sound Bytes: I am "not in favor of bringing about in any way the social and political equality of the white and black races." - Yikes
"When I do good, I feel good and when I do bad, I feel bad. That is my religion." - Atheist?
Verdict: All the negatives above make this choice laughable, not Dennis Kucinich laughable but still laughable; also rumored to be gay...
With all these clearly unqualified options, its time we just settled for the campaign to Vote Coolidge. We don't know anything about him. Seriously, nothing. His nickname is Silent Cal so... sound bytes and just general information are going to be a bitch. But hey, he looks spiffy in a top hat. Meh, good enough.
George Washington
Positives: Founded country, war hero, reportedly cannot tell a lie though that itself could have been a lie
Negatives:
Supports cutting down cherry trees, so clearly anti - environment; too old - has wooden teeth; Rumored to actually be British, says he is now American, but can we trust him?
Sound Byte: "Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder." - Lobbyists just simultaneously orgasmed.
Verdict: If photographs turn up of him in British uniform, campaign sunk.
Shit.
Thomas Jefferson
Positives: Wrote Declaration of Independence, experience as Governor, Vice-President and Secretary of State, founded University of Virginia
Negatives: Declared "all men created equal" but had slaves so a flip-flopper; Also...had slaves; Also...slept with slaves; Pro-French; Virginia invaded twice while he was governor so weak on defense; Wrote own Bible, there goes the Bible Belt and generally the South
Sound Bytes: "Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies." - Probably a socialist.
Verdict: Loves fur - PETA would knock him out of the running singlehandedly with CNN running a non-stop loop of him getting doused with red paint by a protestor
Franklin Roosevelt
Positives: Cousin was President, so has experience;
Negatives: Crippled; Married cousin - making his love of the American family kind of creepy and literal; adulterer...but in a wheelchair so that's actually kind of impressive...we'll make that a positive; hyper - liberal that is all for social welfare, probably too far left
Sound Bytes: "A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned to walk forward." - ....But he's crippled.
"Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can't even lift them." - Very crippled.
Verdict: A handicapped President? Come on, I don't know if America is ready for that. Wait you're turn behind racism and sexism.
Abraham Lincoln
Positives: Umm...a good public speaker...
Negatives: Next to no experience; only 18 months of schooling; never belonged to a church; vehemently against Mexican-American war so obviously weak on immigration; defended a murderer while an attorney; suffers depression so not in stable mental state; doesn't look presidential - actually looks like Lurch from the Adams Family;
Sound Bytes: I am "not in favor of bringing about in any way the social and political equality of the white and black races." - Yikes
"When I do good, I feel good and when I do bad, I feel bad. That is my religion." - Atheist?
Verdict: All the negatives above make this choice laughable, not Dennis Kucinich laughable but still laughable; also rumored to be gay...
With all these clearly unqualified options, its time we just settled for the campaign to Vote Coolidge. We don't know anything about him. Seriously, nothing. His nickname is Silent Cal so... sound bytes and just general information are going to be a bitch. But hey, he looks spiffy in a top hat. Meh, good enough.
The Inaugural Bullshitter of the Month
Monday night in Glendale, WI, right near the Illinois border, Daniel Markofsky a principal at a local Illinois elementary school was caught in a hotel room with two half naked girls, one 16 and one 15 from Wisconsin that he met on the internet. Now in any other story, this would be the end of this tale and just be the starting points for endless parent teacher conferences, school board meetings and general jealous ire from NBC because it wasn't filmed on To Catch a Predator. But, as they say, the devil is in the details, and in this case the details are apparently a early 90's rap video.
1. The principal was found out when an officer was walking past the hotel room and smelled pot coming from the room. Upon further investigation, the three were smoking cigars that had been rolled with weed.
2. Upon entering the room, the officer found all three half naked with porn playing loudly on the TV. Also, after talking to both girls, both said that Markofsky had asked them what movie they wanted to order, to which both asked for Alvin and the Chipmunks, but Markofsky bought porn instead.
3. Markofsky along with the pot and porn brought with him wine coolers and... wait for it...cognac as the drink of choice. Reports are unclear whether or not Gin and/or Juice had been finished off. To be fair, picking up 15 year old girls is really the only time a guy can drink wine coolers and not have it be the most embarrassing thing they are doing that night. And its still close.
4. While Markofsky had no sexual contact with the 15 year old, he did as the reports put it, "perform a sex act on the 16 year old" while the 15 year old girl watched.
5. Oh, one other small detail, the two girls were sisters.
Thats right, cognac, cigars, porn and two underage sisters. If his sexual act he "performed" in any way, shape, or form involves urinating, I'm not completely convinced he isn't R Kelly. Either way when you look like this...
and you just got compared to R Kelly for your sexual escapades,
really all one can say is... Bravo! Sure the underage thing is wrong, and the fact that he is an elementary school principal well thats extremely screwed up. But going in he had to know he was ruining his career and life, so to pull it off with such bravado and style, well done sir. There is definitely a needed amount of appall and concern, yet without the financial wherewithal of R Kelly behind him, how the hell did he pull that off? What could he have possibly said online to rope in underage sisters? Promises of wine coolers only go so far. And cognac?
For these reasons, and for what I can only imagine was the best written email of all time, Daniel Markofsky you sir are the Bullshitter of the Month. Its the beginning of April and I can honestly say no one else is even in the running. Congratulations!
1. The principal was found out when an officer was walking past the hotel room and smelled pot coming from the room. Upon further investigation, the three were smoking cigars that had been rolled with weed.
2. Upon entering the room, the officer found all three half naked with porn playing loudly on the TV. Also, after talking to both girls, both said that Markofsky had asked them what movie they wanted to order, to which both asked for Alvin and the Chipmunks, but Markofsky bought porn instead.
3. Markofsky along with the pot and porn brought with him wine coolers and... wait for it...cognac as the drink of choice. Reports are unclear whether or not Gin and/or Juice had been finished off. To be fair, picking up 15 year old girls is really the only time a guy can drink wine coolers and not have it be the most embarrassing thing they are doing that night. And its still close.
4. While Markofsky had no sexual contact with the 15 year old, he did as the reports put it, "perform a sex act on the 16 year old" while the 15 year old girl watched.
5. Oh, one other small detail, the two girls were sisters.
Thats right, cognac, cigars, porn and two underage sisters. If his sexual act he "performed" in any way, shape, or form involves urinating, I'm not completely convinced he isn't R Kelly. Either way when you look like this...
and you just got compared to R Kelly for your sexual escapades,
really all one can say is... Bravo! Sure the underage thing is wrong, and the fact that he is an elementary school principal well thats extremely screwed up. But going in he had to know he was ruining his career and life, so to pull it off with such bravado and style, well done sir. There is definitely a needed amount of appall and concern, yet without the financial wherewithal of R Kelly behind him, how the hell did he pull that off? What could he have possibly said online to rope in underage sisters? Promises of wine coolers only go so far. And cognac?
For these reasons, and for what I can only imagine was the best written email of all time, Daniel Markofsky you sir are the Bullshitter of the Month. Its the beginning of April and I can honestly say no one else is even in the running. Congratulations!