FEMA announced this week that due to the exorbitant costs of freezing water, they will no longer provide ice after a hurricane.  "Ice is considered a luxury," spokeswoman Heather Allebaugh said.  This is of course true. Ice has long been the lower classes attempt to act more elitist, but in the end, the cool hip ice cube is really on the same level as high priced modern art and caviar.  For homeowners caught in the housing crunch, the first step to demonstrate cutting back on their frivolous spending is to immediately throw all of their ice trays in the garbage.  So hurricane survivors should be expected to cut back as well.  As Jerry Smith, an emergency medical director in Lake County, Florida said: "Ice isn't as needed as we once thought, the same way we once thought the Earth was flat and now we know it's round. We've learned."






Now of course people are going to start bitching and moaning about all these supposed needs for ice like keeping food cold (as generators are also no longer available) or how are they going to cool off in their formaldehyde FEMA trailers during a sweltering Louisiana summer after a hurricane.  But what it comes down to as it always does is drinking.  Come on hurricane victims, quit complaining.  FEMA is trying to help you by making post-hurricane zones a scotch aficionado's Mecca.  Think of it, instead of all those depressing images after hurricanes, you could be seen on CNN sipping back a nice Macallan 18 neat, instead of the bourgeoisie "on the rocks".  New Orleans, next time there is a hurricane, you go from the party hearty booze hound town to dealing with disaster with a certain sense of sophistication and old world class.  Dewars can hold a "I Like It Straight!" heterosexual extravaganza, J+B can promote its "No Dressing for my Drink" wet T-Shirt contest, and Glenlivet can mock that disaster with its
"Not Even A Typhoon" ad campaign.  Plus with all that money FEMA saves on not freezing water, I'm sure they'd put it toward better resources and not to mention there will be a much better response time without having to wait for all those half frozen ice cubs that break in slender pieces to freeze solid.  Soon enough that Alanis Morrisette Ironic lyric "Its like drinking a Hurricane after a hurricane" won't just be horrible use of the English language, but also a complete impossibility. 






So cheers to you hurricane victims, raise your glasses.  And next up for FEMA, using some of that money saved to provide people in earthquake zones all bobble head dolls.  Because thats just turning a natural disaster into comedy gold.