Ahh the slow news week, the interminable hazard flag of 24 hour coverage.  With the easy access talking points of the primaries ending as well as the all important news story American Idol, the news conglomerates have had to scramble a little to come up with real journalism, stories that rise out of reporter grit and determination to bring you news that you need to know, not what the media talking heads are harping about ad nauseum.  To honor their efforts, here are the top 5 important stories of the past two weeks featured on CNN.


5. Mud Fearing Pig Wears Wee Little Boots
   
In a "Breaking News Video", CNN reports "A pig in Bedale, England, is afraid of the mud, so her owners got her a pair of tiny boots." What isn't obvious from the video is why the pig is afraid of mud? Or for that matter if the pig is afraid of mud, since its back feet seem fine? What is infinitely less obvious is why in the hell putting boots on a pig is not only news, but international news.



4. Medics Tried to Revive Tim Russert
    I believe we were all struck by the suddenness of Tim Russert's death and that grief has been pored over many times in the past few days to an awkward degree, as Slate's Jack Shafer points out.  However, luckily fear not, CNN informs us in a full story that medics did indeed attempt to do their job.  In a full story tomorrow, "Medics Reply 'Ah Fuck it' to Young Boy in Burning Building".





3. Pamela and Tommy Lee back on again/ Amy Winehouse faints, hospitalized
       It's far too easy to be cynical about these two stories, in fact its nearly impossible not to.  But who doesn't love a good love story? Love triumphing over adversity, two people realizing they can't live without each other, getting back together for the kids.  Not to mention, the harrowing tale of a young singer and the collective gasp heard amongst fans worried about her health.  Of course, if you take the names from the story its actually about a Hep-addled 40 something stripper getting back with her old drummer boyfriend and a drug addict passing out.  In other news this week, the sun rose.

        Which is more surprising?   




2. Housework and Sex: Whats the Connection?

 As the article reports, "Jen Simmons loves to watch her husband Danny tend to their two little boys, mop the floor or hang a picture. She also finds it sexy."
    
         It is not surprising that women have figured out that men can be talked into doing housework if the payoff
 is sex.  It isn't really even that odd that men clearly are falling for it.  But the question is how did Jen Simmons become the face of this movement.  Can common sense really have a leader? Either way as the picture shows husband "Danny" really doesn't need to be procreating, so for the sake of the rest of us, maybe it'd be better
if Jen just promised him a candy bar. Or that he doesn't have to sleep in a cage anymore...




1.  Shatner Watches Star Trek

          Literally, there is no way to fully capture the insanity..i mean cultural significance... of this article without quoting a few parts:

    "One recent week, William Shatner did something he hadn't done for many years -- watched the original "Star Trek." It was kind of an accident...this particular night, though, he was recovering from hip surgery and couldn't sleep, so he was watching TV. An old episode came on -- the one where the crew of the USS Enterprise visited a society that had modeled itself after Chicago gangsters of the 1920s. Kirk and Spock dressed up in pinstripe suits and held court as tough guys.

Watching, Shatner was more pleased than he expected.

"I haven't seen myself playing Captain Kirk in a long, long time," he says. "And I watched it now, from my perspective of 40 years later, and I thought, 'You know, that's rather good.' It's a starship captain trying to do the accent, the Noo Yawk accent, trying to play tough, trying to be one of the guys. It's not quite right, but it's what a starship captain would have done -- a decent imitation, enough to fool those guys but not the audience."

.... This was headline news.....someone actually either called William Shatner about his TV watching or William Shatner called CNN to let them know....either way, it was reported...as news.   We may literally be a couple days of slow news away from CNN video of Pauly Shore taking bong hits and watching Encino Man, pontificating about the role a caveman would play in modern day Southern California.  Thank you CNN, keep reaching for those stars!