BS of the Day

Year Two

2009-08-25T03:55:00Z

A long delay and here we ago again...

Year Two.

Law school for those fortunate souls who haven't taken it is a lot like bad sex. It starts off rough and hard and eventually you realize that was as exciting/nerve racking as it was going to get and now you are just passing each day not wanting the worst of it but wondering if there is something more to look forward to or have you gotten the craziness all out.

You remember all the same faces, some of them regrettable...

And you wonder in general, whats in store, what are you doing, why are you here...

So the first day begins and we all come in shining and smiling, knowing the fate that beholds us finally and knowing that it won't differentiate too much from the norm...the books are packed, highlighted, not really read, while the underclassman scramble and squander their days looking for the right classroom assignment, the right book, the right way to walk, the right way to talk, the right to be that we have given up on a long time ago, in the face of a deadening job market and the "lets hold on for one more night" feelings of undergrad slipping from our grasp. We look back, we look forward, we look nowhere and at the same time somehow everywhere at the same time.

But as I said bad sex...

The first days begin with the feeling of animosity filled notoriety...christ, him again or her again or not this again fills every gap in conversation, every question that flies over your head is how do I frame my last couple months to either be about how i don't give a shit about how meaningless or thoughtless provoking the summer was or no i had an amazing summer oh you did much worse, im sorry, got a break thats how these things run conversations that go on and on, all the more fruitless, all the more pointless. So you see familiar faces, nothing comes to mind but feelings of could/shoulda/woulda/ and all and all it doesn't matter much. Changes move softly in the legal world, and all changes base themselves on arrogance. Who has come out of the past two months smelling their own shit and declaring it tulips and who has done the same and declared it what it was. None of us with a clue to what we're doing, all of us pretending like we do. You forget quickly the bad decisions, the bad mistakes, the bad miscues and declare avidly and averidly, that THIS TIME IT WILL BE DIFFERENT! without knowing much of what to change or what actually has to. And even more, not caring either way. But, when in Rome.

You pretend, you act, you fake it.

The ghosts of the past year haunt you back as much as you haunt them, sitting around that cemetery too long, you talk about long gone assignments and make up answers to your failings, your faulters, your miscues.

Because in the end, thats what you feel like you must do. But in reality, in truth, in fact, none of it really matters. We all trip through the same mistakes and call them "momentary relapses", but in fact those who still can, call it being human. And we grandly stand above those who admonish it and stare down, with feelings equal with envy and pity, caring and not, watching and looking the other way all at once. We buy into it all and we sell out all at the same time. Because when the veil drops, when the facade falls, when the fog of disillusionment is lifted, where do we all lie but where we began, flawed and misled, assholes and arrogant, dying to prove that there is some validation to any of those feelings or actions or motives.

And so it begins again, day 1, all ripe and replete, to make it as awkward as possible for those trying to make it more serious than it is. All reliving horrible sex and trying to justify it in the morning for a second go. Maybe it improves, maybe the best is behind you, all you can do is hope, and dream, and wonder, and say it fuck it, its better than working. Cheers.

Getting you off...one mini bolt at a time

2008-06-18T19:00:00Z

Move over IPhone. A new invention is finally out on the market that is greater than the TV, internet and even sliced bread combined. The Robo-Girlfriend. Yes for all those men out there who have been waiting anxiously for science to do away with the greatest human mystery, How to meet a Woman, the day has finally come where you can just go buy one. Sure, the price tag is high ($175) and is actually much more than just going to get a prostitute, but a prostitute will only take care of that most primal need, human contact and meaningless sex, the Robo-Girlfriend however does neither of these but all the other things you would expect of a partner.

Says spokeswoman, Minako Sakanoue: "She's very lovable and though she's not a human, she can act like a real girlfriend." The list of things she can do like a real girlfriend include leaning in for a kiss when she senses a human body around (apparently the robo-girlfriend is a undiscerning whore), as well as sing and dance and ...."hand out business cards." (?)

All of this sounds well and good. I mean what man hasn't dreamed of a girlfriend that sings, dances and... hands out business cards. And as Reuters reports "She is big-busted, petite, very friendly, and she runs on batteries." I mean where's the downside? Oh there's a downside. Beyond the no-sex aspect of your Robo girlfriend, not to mention the cost, she runs a "petite" 15 inches tall.

Basically you're now dating a motorized Barbie doll that dresses like a storm trooper and hands out business cards. And generating business might be tough when potential clients see you making out with a GI Joe. I mean who are we to judge, maybe this is exactly what you need to cure those lonely blues. But before you buy and waste all that money that clearly needs to be spent on psychiatrists or the aforementioned whores, lets take a look at other products the company behind the Robo-Girlfriend, Sega Toys, makes...

well there's this...

and this....

and whatever the hell this is...

.

Frightening.

So maybe take the robot aspect out of it, and just factor in your new "girlfriend" coming from parents that also created a mind control device, a gay pony, and took the term Hello Kitty to mean impaling a cat head with an LCD screen. Forget about intimacy, just fucking run.

Mud Fearing Pig Wears Wee Little Boots and Other Necessary Info

2008-06-12T17:59:00Z

Ahh the slow news week, the interminable hazard flag of 24 hour coverage. With the easy access talking points of the primaries ending as well as the all important news story American Idol, the news conglomerates have had to scramble a little to come up with real journalism, stories that rise out of reporter grit and determination to bring you news that you need to know, not what the media talking heads are harping about ad nauseum. To honor their efforts, here are the top 5 important stories of the past two weeks featured on CNN.

5. Mud Fearing Pig Wears Wee Little Boots

In a "Breaking News Video", CNN reports "A pig in Bedale, England, is afraid of the mud, so her owners got her a pair of tiny boots." What isn't obvious from the video is why the pig is afraid of mud? Or for that matter if the pig is afraid of mud, since its back feet seem fine? What is infinitely less obvious is why in the hell putting boots on a pig is not only news, but international news.

4. Medics Tried to Revive Tim Russert
    I believe we were all struck by the suddenness of Tim Russert's death and that grief has been pored over many times in the past few days to an awkward degree, as Slate's Jack Shafer points out. However, luckily fear not, CNN informs us in a full story that medics did indeed attempt to do their job. In a full story tomorrow, "Medics Reply 'Ah Fuck it' to Young Boy in Burning Building".

3. Pamela and Tommy Lee back on again/ Amy Winehouse faints, hospitalized
       It's far too easy to be cynical about these two stories, in fact its nearly impossible not to. But who doesn't love a good love story? Love triumphing over adversity, two people realizing they can't live without each other, getting back together for the kids. Not to mention, the harrowing tale of a young singer and the collective gasp heard amongst fans worried about her health. Of course, if you take the names from the story its actually about a Hep-addled 40 something stripper getting back with her old drummer boyfriend and a drug addict passing out. In other news this week, the sun rose.

        Which is more surprising?

2. Housework and Sex: Whats the Connection?

As the article reports, "Jen Simmons loves to watch her husband Danny tend to their two little boys, mop the floor or hang a picture. She also finds it sexy."

         It is not surprising that women have figured out that men can be talked into doing housework if the payoff
is sex. It isn't really even that odd that men clearly are falling for it. But the question is how did Jen Simmons become the face of this movement. Can common sense really have a leader? Either way as the picture shows husband "Danny" really doesn't need to be procreating, so for the sake of the rest of us, maybe it'd be better
if Jen just promised him a candy bar. Or that he doesn't have to sleep in a cage anymore...

1. Shatner Watches Star Trek

          Literally, there is no way to fully capture the insanity..i mean cultural significance... of this article without quoting a few parts:

    "One recent week, William Shatner did something he hadn't done for many years -- watched the original "Star Trek." It was kind of an accident...this particular night, though, he was recovering from hip surgery and couldn't sleep, so he was watching TV. An old episode came on -- the one where the crew of the USS Enterprise visited a society that had modeled itself after Chicago gangsters of the 1920s. Kirk and Spock dressed up in pinstripe suits and held court as tough guys.

Watching, Shatner was more pleased than he expected.

"I haven't seen myself playing Captain Kirk in a long, long time," he says. "And I watched it now, from my perspective of 40 years later, and I thought, 'You know, that's rather good.' It's a starship captain trying to do the accent, the Noo Yawk accent, trying to play tough, trying to be one of the guys. It's not quite right, but it's what a starship captain would have done -- a decent imitation, enough to fool those guys but not the audience."

.... This was headline news.....someone actually either called William Shatner about his TV watching or William Shatner called CNN to let them know....either way, it was reported...as news. We may literally be a couple days of slow news away from CNN video of Pauly Shore taking bong hits and watching Encino Man, pontificating about the role a caveman would play in modern day Southern California. Thank you CNN, keep reaching for those stars!

Ray of Controversy

2008-05-30T16:08:00Z

Looking at current affairs and the "War on Terror", there seems to be something inherently missing these days. Spies. I mean the cold war had intrigue, Bond villains, the works, but gone seem to be the days of the menacing Rosenbergs or the Nazi spy rifling through JFK's boudoir after he rifled through her. As such we have become lazy in identifying these insurgents, only picking up on the overly confident agents like Barack Hussein Obama who don't even take the time to come up with an alias. Lucky for us, stalwart writers like Michelle Malkin are still out there.

Malkin, pictured here emulating Christ,

recently brought attention to the interminably peppy Rachel Ray wearing a keffiyeh in a new Dunkin' Donuts commercial. The keffiyeh, worn by other infamous politicos like Mary Kate Olson and this random douchebag,

is a traditional scarf worn in the Arab world by infamous extremists like Yasser Arafat as a symbol of their affinities as well as by random Arabs to keep the sun off of them. But in Ray's case Malkin says it best herself: "I’m hoping her hate couture choice was spurred more by ignorance than ideology."

Now maybe we should let Ray off the hook on pure ignorance that she was just handed something to wear, especially when you factor in that in fact it was not a keffiyeh but rather just a black and white scarf. And sure we could just chalk it up to ridiculous McCarthy-like Xenophobia. Except for the added involvement of Dunkin Donuts. See, Dunkin' has been the hot bed for extremist sympathizing for years from their Hitler impersonators:

to their "Man in the Yellow Hat" contingent.

And now Ray. In hindsight, we really should have known Muslim extremist would be in bed with a company centered around that bastion of Islamic culture: over-sweetened coffee and high fat snack food.

Sadly in her article, Malkin attacks Ray but then steps back to simply hype another donut shop. "They specialize in hot, hand-dipped, made-to-order donuts that are pure heaven. Yummmmmm." It seems even our truest watchdogs can be bought off. The ad has been pulled since Malkin's article. But could it be too late? Once extremists get to Rachel Ray, who knows who could be next? Think of all the vaguely noticeable celebrities that could be talked into doing subversive Dunkin Donuts commercials? We could be awash in burkas and cardamom krullers by weeks end, care of some seemingly harmless Kelly Ripa spot. So stand strong in the face of this confectionery wolf in fat kid's clothing. Else, the world shall indeed not end with a bang, but rather the whimper of a stomach ache and the deafening silence of a food coma.

Drinking with People Better Than You

2008-05-09T16:53:00Z

As the primaries seem to be finally winding down, and especially after the past couple weeks through the rough and tumble working man areas in Penn and Indiana, the question has come up again and again from pundits and candidates alike. Who would you rather grab a beer with? Sure it doesn't mean much politically but supposedly it catches that certain likability and down to earth charm that people apparently need in a candidate. Of course, as an experienced bar rat, I have never met a person I've drank with in a bar and thought they would make a great president, but I digress. Supposedly there is something to the drinking aspect of your candidate that matters, but at the same time there are so many kinds of drinkers. There really isn't one sit down have a beer personality that is the perfect drinking buddy, its a nuanced art. So, we present the exact type of drinking buddy the people still in the process would be.

John McCain
"Coach"



McCain is the candidate most likely to already be behind the bar when you get there. He's old, rambles a bit but probably has a lot of great stories from his glory days that he'll talk your ear off all night on. Definitely the most fun to drop a few back with, but around the fourth time he tells you the story of the time he met Eisenhower, you start to wonder if he's playing with a full deck. Favorite drink: Beer. Cheaper the better. Anything he can drink that he remembers when it cost a nickel.

Bill Clinton
Sam Malone



Not really in the game anymore, but likes to rub shoulders with anyone who is and like coach, tell stories about his heyday. Would give anything for another chance at the big time, since his first was wasted with booze and women. He's talkative, charming and flirty, and has nailed more girls in the bar than he can count. Keeps trying to have sex with Diane (see below) but to no avail. A great person to drink with, but don't bring your girlfriend along, has a tendency to get a bit selfish. Favorite drink: Shots. Beer. Whiskey. Whatever it takes to get to the good stuff.

Hillary Clinton
Diane Chambers



Smart, savvy but greatest weakness is the fact that none of the other customers really seem to like her. Tries to be as likable as the others in the bar, but can't quite pull it off. A little cold, a little distant, and probably sees herself as a little too good to be hanging out with the rest of the losers. At the same time, she'll smile and try to fake it whenever possible. Will more than likely have a beer if you offer but will change it to a vodka/cranberry the second you look away.

Barack Obama
Frasier Crane



Eloquent and intelligent, but often called an elitist. While a little too reserved and distant to knock back shots at the bar, can still rub shoulders with the dregs of society. Will impress everyone in the bar with his speeches and concise explanations, but not particularly good at the dirty banter/debate. Has love/hate relationship with Diane, possibly because they are the most alike in the bar. Favorite drink: White Russian - Equal parts African Kahlua, Kansas dairy milk, and some vodka called Change.

Ron Paul
Cliff Clavin



Will talk, and talk, and talk. Knows a little bit about everything, and is pretty certain he is the only one who knows the right things. Could argue with Norm all day long, with no one else really knowing what they are talking about. Beer drinker, because he really can't afford anything else, but knows more about that beer than you ever cared to know. Also...more than likely still lives with his mother.

Ralph Nader
Norm Peterson



Generally well liked but no one really knows why. No clue what he actually does on an everyday basis but whether election or happy hour, he shows up like clockwork. Also not really clear on how he pays his tab, but nevertheless. He seems to have no real aspirations, instead is just kind of happy to be around. Favorite drink: A little bit of what everyone else is trying to drink.

Looney Balloons

2008-04-24T17:41:00Z

Due to maybe the current airline crisis and rising costs, or perhaps to a new adventure sport bend or perhaps to just sheer stupidity, people are taking to the skies in ways only dreamed up in cartoons: by balloons. Not large hot air balloons but a shit-load of typical helium balloons.

Yes, like a pothead watching The Red Balloon, seemingly sane people have been looking at our airy latex friends and thinking "We could float together!" Or as cluster-balloon enthusiast John Ninomiya puts it: "Have you ever dreamed of being carried into the sky by a giant bouquet of colorful toy balloons?" If your answer is "Not at all actually" then you are either older than 6 or not a cartoon character. Ninomiya is apparently the only person in North America who has flown the Cluster-balloon and one of a select few to fly a Cloudhopper, which is essentially a hot air balloon without a basket, and like the Rocketeer or Wily Coyote you have a jet pack strapped to your back shooting flames into the balloon. Sure it sounds pointlessly dangerous, but Ninomiya believes it is more than that. "Unless you're really pathologically gregarious, you probably enjoy some occasional time by yourself, and with a Cloudhopper, you discover that flying a balloon is a wonderful way to spend that time."

There is of course a down side to all that fraternizing with mylar and that is death. For example, the case of Father Adelir Antonio de Carli of Brazil, a Catholic priest who disappeared this week, after floating off on the awesome power of 1000 balloons in an attempt to raise money for a truck stop parish. While offering to do something incredibly stupid is always a great way to get money from people, there should be so many more options before "I'll attach a thousand balloons to myself." The balloons, meanwhile, have been found floating off the coast of Brazil proving that while we may love balloons, they will inevitably abandon you when the going gets rough.

This balloon selfishness has even gone so far that some states have outlawed any release of 20 or more balloons into the air. The bill started in Maryland after the unfortunate balloon attack on Inky, a year old sperm whale, that washed up on the Jersey shore. Animal rescue then went through a ridiculous six operations on the whale to remove three feet of balloon plastic from her intestines. While Inky survived, it is unknown whether the cluster-ballooner she clearly swallowed is still in her stomach, perhaps waiting for his puppet to become a real boy so that they can sail away together to a balloon paradise. Because once you've dedicated yourself to the sweet solitude of just you and your balloons, who knows how lonely your life has become.

Protesting...protesting

2008-04-22T16:42:00Z

After a few scares last week, the Olympic torch has just made it through Indonesia, as it continues its treacherous world wide trek to become history's most overblown flame (insert your own gay joke here). But, come on protesters this is all you got? Trying to blow out a fire? I mean this is a country founded on protests, with each one following the arc of the next, learning from the mistakes to get more effective. Look no further than the Boston Tea Party. Excellent non-violent protest, getting piss drunk, dressing up as Indians and dumping goods in the water as a supreme "F. You" to taxes and simultaneously becoming a rallying point of an entire revolution and turning Boston Harbor into this...

By the time you get to the 1960's protests were an art form. From the peaceful, yet ballsy ones,

to the awe-inspiring marches,

to the oddly named "Burn your bra in front of Billy Joel" variety.

So obviously protesters you have a long history to chose from, a great tapestry of intelligently sticking it to the man and through that reaching the masses on injustice. Blowing out a torch? Thats just not trying hard enough to get your message across, its too simple. You need something great, something that people will look at pictures at for years with reverence and emotion. Like the Tiananmen Square tank standoff or the raised fist at the Olympics. You always need to remember that a smart protest can be a powerful motivator instilled...

with um....great and noble....

ideals...and....

What the fuck?

Are you people protesting or initiating into a frat? You do realize that the point of a protest is to make people agree with you, not make sane people want to hit you with a tire iron, right? As a general rule, if the comment "People will see our point when they see our nuts" comes up in your group meeting, take a moment to be objective. Has this ever worked? Would a "Big Guns, Big Dicks" NRA calendar convince you of the merits of the 2nd amendment? How about Nazi hookers convincing you of the tenets of National socialism? (Quiet down F1 driving fans) And as far as I know James Carville is not known as the Ragin' Cagin because he won debates with a prominent display of his erection. How did modern protests become a combination of annoying and really fucking annoying?

You see kids 'shock value" gets you exactly that...shock. That is usually proceeded by disgust and then either dismissal or the tire iron I spoke about above. So lets take a quick break, put your pants back on, and figure out the one or two most important issues to collectively protest about (I'm looking at you "Free Paris" fans). Then for every person that suggests something such as the "Vomit-In", you're getting smacked over the head with a sandwich board and donating fifty dollars for your stupidity. By the time, we collect all the dumbass ideas, we'll have collected enough "donations" to get some changes made through the most effective protest sign there is:

Cash.

Sorry..The Kids Are Right

2008-04-16T18:26:00Z

We here at "BS of the Day" would like to respectfully offer a retraction and full apology for our article last week entitled "The Kids Ain't Right." Under advisement from our families and newly hired security, we would like to address the following letter to kids around the world to hopefully bury the hatche...um poor choice of words...offer an olive branch so to speak in hopes that we can live together peacefully.

"Hey kids...don't really know what to say here. I know last week we called you 'evil' and advised 'wiping you off the face of the earth'. Haha we were just joking, you know, ha ha funny joke, no need to get all angry about it. Or you can...um whatever makes you happy really. Ha ha. Did you want another ice cream? Because you've all been very good. Yes you have. There you go. See...we kinda thought the whole Georgia thing was funny...really. All your little brains scheming to take down your teacher. Funny little shenanigans, and to be fair, we kind of giggled at the thought of you crazy 3rd graders trying to tie down a grown-up, struggling like the Lilliputians on Gulliver. You're so adult looking but not completely. You seemed entertaining, like chimps. But just like in Planet of the Apes, we heeded the warnings too late that you were hell bent on destruction. Then we saw Tyler Hemmert, the young boy in Vancouver, WA who survived this...

We, to be quite honest, just shit our pants. You apparently mean business.

To make sure we got all the facts straight..this is what the newspapers reported:

"Tyler Hemmert said he and a friend were sitting on a park bench when another boy became angry with them and threw a knife at them, KPTV in Beaverton, Ore., reported. "When he threw it, we both ducked," said Nate Leach, Tyler's friend. "It just stuck him in the head." The butter knife became lodged in Tyler's head between his scalp and skull. "It, like, stung like a bee for a while," Tyler said."

While other people read this and laughed it off, we saw the two valuable lessons you clearly are trying to show us. You are indestructible (stung like a bee for a while?!?) and even more terrifying, can throw weapons with pinpoint accuracy. I mean, whichever kid threw that (the police won't release his name...out of pure undeniable fear) not only threw a dull butter knife into someone's head but with enough accuracy to not pierce the skull. We can't even open envelopes without tearing the letter and you somehow pierced up to the hilt of the knife the little area between the skin and the skull, which to be fair we didn't even know existed.

So its obvious we weren't taking you seriously enough...or your training films..

How the hell did you enlist Hulk Hogan already? How long have you been planning this? Alright, alright, we're asking too many questions. Sorry. But knowing that we aren't a quarter of the man the Hulkster is, we at "BS of the Day" are bowing to the inevitable. Listen kids we're on your side. Always have been really. But we had to you know keep up appearances with other adults. Not anymore though, now its whatever you say. That toy you wanted...its yours. Stay up past your bedtimes? Sure. Waffles for dinner...why not? Just please please don't hurt us."

The Best of the Rest?

2008-04-14T17:15:00Z

As the primary election has dragged on...and on...and on, the media scrutiny is now so high Wolf Blitzer gets a boner anytime the words "Wright", "Sniper Fire" or "Bitter" come up. Whether its Obama's crazy preacher, Hillary doing her greatest Traci Flick impersonation, or McCain having a black man hold an umbrella over him during his MLK speech (...seriously?), we may need a whole other batch of candidates to go through before we even get to the election as this group clearly has a lot of image problems. So BS of the Day presents some alternate candidates...and why they don't have a snowballs chance in hell either.

George Washington

Positives: Founded country, war hero, reportedly cannot tell a lie though that itself could have been a lie

Negatives:
Supports cutting down cherry trees, so clearly anti - environment; too old - has wooden teeth; Rumored to actually be British, says he is now American, but can we trust him?

Sound Byte: "Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder." - Lobbyists just simultaneously orgasmed.

Verdict: If photographs turn up of him in British uniform, campaign sunk.

Shit.

Thomas Jefferson

Positives: Wrote Declaration of Independence, experience as Governor, Vice-President and Secretary of State, founded University of Virginia

Negatives: Declared "all men created equal" but had slaves so a flip-flopper; Also...had slaves; Also...slept with slaves; Pro-French; Virginia invaded twice while he was governor so weak on defense; Wrote own Bible, there goes the Bible Belt and generally the South

Sound Bytes: "Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies." - Probably a socialist.

Verdict: Loves fur - PETA would knock him out of the running singlehandedly with CNN running a non-stop loop of him getting doused with red paint by a protestor

Franklin Roosevelt

Positives: Cousin was President, so has experience;

Negatives: Crippled; Married cousin - making his love of the American family kind of creepy and literal; adulterer...but in a wheelchair so that's actually kind of impressive...we'll make that a positive; hyper - liberal that is all for social welfare, probably too far left

Sound Bytes: "A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned to walk forward." - ....But he's crippled.

"Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can't even lift them." - Very crippled.

Verdict: A handicapped President? Come on, I don't know if America is ready for that. Wait you're turn behind racism and sexism.

Abraham Lincoln

Positives: Umm...a good public speaker...

Negatives: Next to no experience; only 18 months of schooling; never belonged to a church; vehemently against Mexican-American war so obviously weak on immigration; defended a murderer while an attorney; suffers depression so not in stable mental state; doesn't look presidential - actually looks like Lurch from the Adams Family;

Sound Bytes: I am "not in favor of bringing about in any way the social and political equality of the white and black races." - Yikes

"When I do good, I feel good and when I do bad, I feel bad. That is my religion." - Atheist?

Verdict: All the negatives above make this choice laughable, not Dennis Kucinich laughable but still laughable; also rumored to be gay...

With all these clearly unqualified options, its time we just settled for the campaign to Vote Coolidge. We don't know anything about him. Seriously, nothing. His nickname is Silent Cal so... sound bytes and just general information are going to be a bitch.  But hey, he looks spiffy in a top hat. Meh, good enough.

The Inaugural Bullshitter of the Month

2008-04-10T19:14:00Z

Monday night in Glendale, WI, right near the Illinois border, Daniel Markofsky a principal at a local Illinois elementary school was caught in a hotel room with two half naked girls, one 16 and one 15 from Wisconsin that he met on the internet. Now in any other story, this would be the end of this tale and just be the starting points for endless parent teacher conferences, school board meetings and general jealous ire from NBC because it wasn't filmed on To Catch a Predator. But, as they say, the devil is in the details, and in this case the details are apparently a early 90's rap video.

1. The principal was found out when an officer was walking past the hotel room and smelled pot coming from the room. Upon further investigation, the three were smoking cigars that had been rolled with weed.

2. Upon entering the room, the officer found all three half naked with porn playing loudly on the TV. Also, after talking to both girls, both said that Markofsky had asked them what movie they wanted to order, to which both asked for Alvin and the Chipmunks, but Markofsky bought porn instead.

3. Markofsky along with the pot and porn brought with him wine coolers and... wait for it...cognac as the drink of choice. Reports are unclear whether or not Gin and/or Juice had been finished off. To be fair, picking up 15 year old girls is really the only time a guy can drink wine coolers and not have it be the most embarrassing thing they are doing that night. And its still close.

4. While Markofsky had no sexual contact with the 15 year old, he did as the reports put it, "perform a sex act on the 16 year old" while the 15 year old girl watched.

5. Oh, one other small detail, the two girls were sisters.

Thats right, cognac, cigars, porn and two underage sisters. If his sexual act he "performed" in any way, shape, or form involves urinating, I'm not completely convinced he isn't R Kelly. Either way when you look like this...

and you just got compared to R Kelly for your sexual escapades,

really all one can say is... Bravo! Sure the underage thing is wrong, and the fact that he is an elementary school principal well thats extremely screwed up. But going in he had to know he was ruining his career and life, so to pull it off with such bravado and style, well done sir. There is definitely a needed amount of appall and concern, yet without the financial wherewithal of R Kelly behind him, how the hell did he pull that off? What could he have possibly said online to rope in underage sisters? Promises of wine coolers only go so far. And cognac?

For these reasons, and for what I can only imagine was the best written email of all time, Daniel Markofsky you sir are the Bullshitter of the Month. Its the beginning of April and I can honestly say no one else is even in the running. Congratulations!

How to Start Your Own Cult in 5 Easy Steps

2008-04-08T20:43:00Z

With the April 4th raid on a Fundamentalist Later Days Saints cult in El Dorado, Texas, we have gotten to see all the nitty gritty details of a functioning crazy town. From polygamy to sex with 16 year old girls, this backwoods ranch has it all. Not only that, but as of yesterday, 555 women and children have been taken from the compound. That's a whole lot of people buying your bullshit. And this is the man who is the leader of it....

Its not exactly an image that inspires unquestioning obedience. Clearly people are gullible enough to believe anything, so why not get in on the action. So, as a public service BSoftheDay presents your five easy steps to your very own religious cult.

Step One: Find your base

So you want to start a cult, but where do you start? Well you could start ranting and raving about religion on a street corner but generally you'll just be a bum at that point and if you haven't noticed the homeless aren't exactly running top notch polygamist camps. So its time to tap into the greatest reserve of people crazy enough to believe what you are selling: other religions. Yes thats right, jump right into another religion with beliefs wild enough they'll make you look like a voice of reason. Most of them already believe a spacebeing created them and now watches like a sadistic peeping tom, so you're already well on your way. But which one? Well the recent raid brought down a prominent Church of Latter Day Saints sect so you could try to replace them, but the attention might be a little heavy now. The major religions already have too many offshoots so you'll just get lost in the din at that point. A suggestion...Scientology. Sure the attention is high but offshoots are rare and the clientelle is pretty attractive. I mean look at members of the Jeffs cult: Yikes.

Now Scientologists...

That's religion you can get behind.

Step Two: Find your Way.
Now that you've found your piggy back religion, jump right in. Read up on Dianetics if you're going the Scientology route. I mean the website even says,

"When asked to rate Dianetics in a recent survey, about half called it “one of the most valuable products on Earth,” while slightly more felt it was “the most valuable product in existence.”

Wow. I guess a slight few felt that while it is definitely the most valuable product on Earth, there may be a better product elsewhere in existence. Maybe in space. To be fair, space boots are pretty sweet. Anyway, while Dianetics definitely gets the amazing reviews, all you need is an angle to start pulling off members. Say you've just moved into the area and go to a local meeting. Once you've established yourself as a true believer with some clever citing of text, cozy up to some of the other members and claim to be a top member in some obscure town. Davenport, Iowa for instance. Work your way into their trust. High fives about science fiction are a must.

Step Three: Find your calling.

Now that you've got their attention, take a walk with some of your fellow believers. On a stroll through the woods, suddenly look into the distance and abruptly run off. Now create your little miracle. A burning bush has been used but go ahead and work off that. Use a light show, some fireworks, something to get your believers attention while you're gone. When its done, walk back slowly, not speaking and collapse in front of them. After they run to your aid, sit up with a gazed vacant look on your face. For reference, watch any Keanu Reeves movie. Such as:

or ....

They won't know whether you just saw God or a time traveling telephone booth.

Step Four: Find your members.

Stay in for a couple days, sit back and let the word of mouth travel on your crazy miracle sighting. At the end of the week, send word that you will give a speech to explain what you saw. Attention should be at fever pitch now so let it stew a bit. In your speech, say you spoke to L. Ron, he says everyone has lost their way. Point to some obscure thing he wrote, such as for example from the 1951 book, Fear: "...if you find your hat you'll find your four hours. If you find your four hours then you will die..." Decry both hats and the number 4, claim you're now a fundamentalist scientologist. Also, wear a robe. It is unknown why, but all prophets wear robes. Perhaps because the word of God cannot penetrate denim. Either way, while everyone gossips about your conversion, have the people who took a walk with you talk it up. Promise them polygamy and group sex and suddenly your run in the woods will be an annual past time to achieve harmony. Also make sure your new apostles are attractive members, because no one wants promises of group sex from scientologists like Edgar Winter.

Let your apostles do the ground work while you let your mystique grow by suddenly not speaking to anyone other than the "pure ones".

Step Five: Isolate, isolate, isolate.

Inevitably your piggy backed religion will get pissed about your hat-less message and will cast you out. Claim to have tried to simply give them the word and then retreat to an isolated spot. This will keep you away from the eyes of the authorities and from other charlatans who might try woo away your cult. Popular destinations include backwoods Texas and...well mainly backwoods Texas. Bring any followers and let them recruit others. After establishing a self-sufficient community and witnessing a few more miracles, start the decrees. Virgins, money donations, and spiritual marriage are all very popular. In no time, you'll be sitting pretty, brainwashing generation after generation. Enjoy!

Hurricanes: The Scotch Drinker's Natural Disaster

2008-04-04T15:25:00Z

FEMA announced this week that due to the exorbitant costs of freezing water, they will no longer provide ice after a hurricane. "Ice is considered a luxury," spokeswoman Heather Allebaugh said. This is of course true. Ice has long been the lower classes attempt to act more elitist, but in the end, the cool hip ice cube is really on the same level as high priced modern art and caviar. For homeowners caught in the housing crunch, the first step to demonstrate cutting back on their frivolous spending is to immediately throw all of their ice trays in the garbage. So hurricane survivors should be expected to cut back as well. As Jerry Smith, an emergency medical director in Lake County, Florida said: "Ice isn't as needed as we once thought, the same way we once thought the Earth was flat and now we know it's round. We've learned."

Now of course people are going to start bitching and moaning about all these supposed needs for ice like keeping food cold (as generators are also no longer available) or how are they going to cool off in their formaldehyde FEMA trailers during a sweltering Louisiana summer after a hurricane. But what it comes down to as it always does is drinking. Come on hurricane victims, quit complaining. FEMA is trying to help you by making post-hurricane zones a scotch aficionado's Mecca. Think of it, instead of all those depressing images after hurricanes, you could be seen on CNN sipping back a nice Macallan 18 neat, instead of the bourgeoisie "on the rocks". New Orleans, next time there is a hurricane, you go from the party hearty booze hound town to dealing with disaster with a certain sense of sophistication and old world class. Dewars can hold a "I Like It Straight!" heterosexual extravaganza, J+B can promote its "No Dressing for my Drink" wet T-Shirt contest, and Glenlivet can mock that disaster with its
"Not Even A Typhoon" ad campaign. Plus with all that money FEMA saves on not freezing water, I'm sure they'd put it toward better resources and not to mention there will be a much better response time without having to wait for all those half frozen ice cubs that break in slender pieces to freeze solid. Soon enough that Alanis Morrisette Ironic lyric "Its like drinking a Hurricane after a hurricane" won't just be horrible use of the English language, but also a complete impossibility.

So cheers to you hurricane victims, raise your glasses. And next up for FEMA, using some of that money saved to provide people in earthquake zones all bobble head dolls. Because thats just turning a natural disaster into comedy gold.

The Kids Ain't Right

2008-04-03T18:56:00Z

This weekend in that hot bed of wholesome entertainment Waycross, GA, the annual Swampfest kicks off. Always an exciting event for people across Southern Georgia, this year it is tinged with shock and gossip. Alas while Cousin Malcom's amazing leaping frogs will warm their hearts, it will not ease their fears. Nor will the Robinson's running pigs and while the much anticipated Waycross Idol will go on, where last year's winner, Brian K. Smith will try to beat a host of children ages 8-17 to take the Idol title, this year he will look over his shoulder at his scheming competitors with perhaps a bit more unbridled terror. You see in Waycross three third grade students have just been charged in the plot to murder their teacher, Belle Carter, allegedly because she yelled at one of them for standing on a chair. In frightening Children of the Corn like synchronicity, the eleven third graders hatched a plan in which one of them would sneak behind her with a crystal paper weight and knock her unconscious with it, then other students would bind her hands and feet, while the mastermind behind the plan, a 10 year old girl, stabbed her with a steak knife. Other children in the class were delegated jobs such as covering the windows and of course cleanup. The mob doesn't work with such precision. Of course, just like the mob, one person lost their nerve and snitched to the higher ups, thereby saving Swampfest. Below is everything the cops confiscated from the school, items that at least three kids had brought in to carry out the murder.

Experts soon began chiming in and saying that the kids probably wouldn't have actually carried out the crime, as third graders do not usually premeditate crimes and that that usually only happens with high schoolers. Younger kids are more likely to do what a twelve year old boy in Maryland did the other day, when his mother was being assaulted by another man in their boarding house, and he calmly slashed him open in one fell swoop.

In both these cases, with the shocking skill and foresight, whether it be gangland like execution or surgery skill on someone's "upper body", the media reports will soon go out that we must save our children from what is clearly tainting their childhood, whether it be movies or video games or music. But I disagree, not with the influence media probably has on them, but rather that we shouldn't save our children, we should destroy them before they destroy us.

Listen these kids have gotten out of hand, if they aren't growing up to shoot up a school because someone made fun of them, they are smiling sweetly while another one bludgeons you over the head with a crystal paperweight because they couldn't stand on a chair. And my guess is they were standing on that chair to bludgeon you over the head with a paperweight.

They're volatile, unpredictable and have shorter fuses than the bomb they just hid under your minivan. While right wingers are suggesting that Islam is inherently a violent religion and that any suggestion that we pissed off extremists is the same as saying we deserved it, we keep trying to find a reason for why our kids are targeting us. We'd rather get rid of all media and accidental nipple showings than come to the undeniable truth that children are pure evil and must be stopped. Watch kids playing for ten minutes, they are mean vindictive little bastards and have no real concept of danger. Whether its running, jumping, swinging on trees or jumping off ramps, playgrounds are their training grounds. And now they are organizing. Jonathon Swift had it right back in 1729 when he suggested we start cooking them and everyone laughed him off as a satirist. The time is come for that Modest Proposal to become our Modern Protection and get rid of this scourge before they get us first.

F1 Drivers: The Master Race

2008-04-01T15:05:00Z

Reported by the British tabloid, News of the World, Formula 1 racing President Max Mosley allegedly hired five prostitutes to act out not only an orgy with him, but a Nazi roll playing orgy, where among other things he would be treated as a prisoner and whipped by the five female guards, then switching positions where he whipped the women while shouting out numbers in German. At this point, the fantasy is a taboo masochistic albeit sick role play. Until it comes to the part where he is "greeted by a woman playing the role of a Nazi prison guard, checking his hair to see if he has been kept free of lice "at the other facility." The women by the way were wearing replica German SS uniforms. Masochism is fine, but role playing the Holocaust thats just a whole other beast. Pictured here, clearly disgusted by a non-Nazi fantasy,

Mosley not only hired the five prostitutes for his fantasy but taped the entire thing, because at that point, why the hell not. Formula 1 has taken it pretty well as chief executive Brian Ecclestone said,

"Assuming it's all true, what people do privately is up to them," Ecclestone told the Times in a story posted late Sunday on its Web site. "Knowing Max it might be all a bit of a joke."

If anyone you know greets your foray into Nazi recreation as a par-for-the-course joke, you have done some real crazy shit in the past. Luckily, BSoftheDay has amassed an exclusive look at other hilarious Max Mosley "antics":

Feb 22, 1997: In honor of the 10 year anniversary of Andy Warhol's death and having just watched Weekend at Bernie's the night before, Mosley exhumes the pop art icon, attaches him to his back propped up in welcoming stance and pretends not to notice. As people say "is that Andy Warhol?", Mosley spins around asking "Where?" as the corpse wheels around him. Jonathon Silverman and Andrew McCarthy, defying assumptions that they were dead, laugh hysterically.

August 6th, 2000

Mosley spends three agonizing weeks claiming to be Christopher Walken:

Despite pleas from his family and friends that he really does have the worst Walken impersonation voice ever, as he keeps saying Whoooo- aaahhh obviously mixing him up with Al Pacino, Mosley continues until he can be offered proof. Unfortunately at the time, Walken himself believes he is a space visitor named Zeebo, offering no help at all. Mosley takes the impersonation a step further, hiring a Natalie Wood look a like for a yacht trip, and claiming she fell overboard while at sea. To avoid prosecution, Mosley claims he is not Walken, but the Marlboro Man instead.

June 17th, 2004:

With his regular mistress Helga, pictured below, out of town for the weekend,

Mosley invests his fortunes into a series of robots with yellow casings and cold emotionless faces to treat him like the "dirty imperfect human" he is. To replace his usual safety word, "Himmler" that he cries to Helga when things have gone too far, Mosley has an ESC key implanted in each robots chest. However, due to the inability to touch the button while tied up to a computer desk and with the voice activation module hearing "Rape" every time instead of "Escape", Mosley must be saved by aides some twelve hours into his ordeal.

Upon Helga's return all of the robots are destroyed, but Mosley says he now "gets the Asian Fetish."

March 1st, 2008

In indignation over the firestorm about his Nazi foray, Mosley becomes convinced he can start controlling people with his mind using wide eyed gestures, "just like Charlie Manson did it." Local prostitutes report that while they were perfectly fine with recreating World War Germany for Mosley, his recent pleas of "joining his family" and "death to pigs" are going to deaf ears. As of press time, Mosley had not broken this stare in four hours.

Dutch Meddlers

2008-03-28T18:20:00Z

Ahh the Dutch. Long known as the easy going laid back Europeans who turned Amsterdam into the mecca for weed and red light districts, the Netherlands have held onto their peace loving tendencies for most of the 20th century, sitting out of World War I and trying to sit out of World War II, until Hitler invaded them relatively easily since most of their weapons were manufactured pre-1900. After making their big bang with Rembrandt and Van Gogh, lately they've become known for such "oh...thats..nice" contributions like windmills, wood shoes, MC Escher and that horrible movie with Ed O'Neill. Oh and lets not forget rock and roll super group, Golden Earring. But apparently a hundred odd years of being known as the laid back roll with times Europeans, the Dutch are giving up their Radar Love for a "Why Don't You Go Fuck Yourself?" persona.

Like the skinny kid on the playground, the Dutch have decided to jump on the outcast that everyone is kind of leery of, seemingly to prove courage or big-balled stupidity. It all started of course with the Mohammed cartoons published in 2005. While the first cartoons were not thematically offensive, the image of Mohammed is a major no-no in Islam (similar to the taboo of saying God's name in Judaism, for a little perspective) and therefore pissed off a lot of people. The issue then became not whether or not the move was offensive, but about freedom of speech when the extremists took the lead and started in with death threats. Perhaps to take the mantle of Salman Rushdie in the most hated literati arena, after all this was the wife he picked up while in hiding...

...........

Anyway, to perhaps overtake Rushdie, the artist not only kept publishing cartoons, culminating in one in which Mohammed's turban has a bomb in it, but even re-released them last year. Now at some point, yes it is a question of free speech and certainly one shouldn't bite their tongue when fanatics start handing out death threats. But, when you start flaunting a cardinal rule of someone's religion you also have to figure you're not just pissing off the crazies, you're also pissing on just the regular people who believe in Islam. It's akin to flag burning in public - yeah the death threats are going to come from fanatics, but you're also flicking off a lot of people who just don't think its right. And if you keep doing it over and over again, sure you're exercising freedom of speech, but really you're just kind of being a prick.

Now the old Dutch would have gotten this, we would have all sat back in a smoke 'em if you got 'em atmosphere, taken in a sex show and talked 1900's weaponry, but these new Dutch are a pissy bunch. So while cartoons may have stopped at antagonizing, a video released this week decided to go for the throat, playing an audio of the Koran being read over scenes of fanatics. The creator of the film is a Dutch politician no less, Geert Wilders, who says"I am a politician, Islam is a danger to freedom in the Netherlands and I must warn against it - maybe this also goes for the world." Beat that Revered Wright.

Now of course the call for freedom of speech will go out again, and yet, the wave of indignation that would spread if you put up a video of the Constitution being read over some of the more horrific images of Vietnam or the Bible read over the inquisition would be one hell of a typhoon and fanatics wouldn't exactly be the word used to describe the people after you. The point is every group has some crazy member of the family that they'd rather not be associated with, but antagonizing the whole group is just a jackass move. So Dutchmen, before you start backing this politician on his movie in the name of free speech, just remember you brought us the Vengaboys, you've made your mistakes as well. If you're not careful, there could very well soon be a movie made exploring your history with this song playing the entire time. Actually, thats not half bad, go back to "liking to party", or else we are going to get Vengaboys protest songs soon and I just don't think anyone wants that.

Now where were we...

Yahweh!

Spin Doctoring that Doesn't Involve That Crappy 90's Band

2008-03-27T18:15:00Z

BS of the ...yesterday was going to be around the bizarre Vogue scandal starring the fierce black Lebron James on the cover with coquetish white bread Fay Wray impersonator Giselle but to be fair Jason Whitlock covered it brilliantly in his article, so squash that.

So instead, the BS of Today is a lesson in spin.

Earlier this week, it was reported that President Bush held a telephone conference with Chinese President Hu Jintao. The New York Times reported that the conversation was over the Tibetan protests over the past few months that have led to severe crackdowns and the ouster of journalists that were in the area. The protests have garnered a lot of international attention both because of the polarizing figure of the Dalai Lama and the martial law imposed by China with the Olympics right around the corner. The White House released a statement saying that the President had called to urge Hu Jintao to reopen talks with the Dalai Lama and " had 'pushed very hard' on Tibet, urging restraint and a renewed effort to address Tibetan grievances." Fair play to the President, calling up to address a situation that is angering many in the international community and taking the chance of hurting Chinese relations by calling them out.

But...wait...the Chinese paper, People's Daily, opened by saying

"During the talks, President Hu voiced his appreciation of the U.S. stance, repeated many times by Bush and his administration, that the U.S. adheres to the one-China policy, abides by the three Sino-U.S. joint communiques, opposes "Taiwan independence" and a referendum on Taiwan's U.N. membership, and is against Taiwan's bid to join the United Nations and other international organizations, which only sovereign countries can join."

Of course in a country such as China in which martial law has already been handed down to the detriment of a free press, the local newspaper would certainly not want to make the contentious Tibetan situation the lead story. But, the Chinese account is that not only does Bush take a stance that Tibet and Taiwan are part of one China, but is actively opposing Taiwan independence. So basically he wants China to talk to Tibet in its independence fight but opposes any consideration of Taiwan's. That lead was pretty well buried in the NY Times article.

Yet, perhaps the most buried conversation piece in both articles is the snafu discovered in Taiwan last week. Apparently, in 2006, a full year and half ago, the US accidentally sent nuclear warhead fuses to Taiwan instead of helicopter batteries. A year and half later, Taiwanese officials discovered these when finally needing helicopter batteries apparently and sent them back immediately. The US of course is embarrassed by this, since the fuses are technology that is kept under wraps, and it comes on the heels of another "embarrassment" when in last September, a B-52 was mistakenly armed with nuclear missiles (!) and flew from North Dakota to Louisiana. Unless this is all a setup for the new blockbuster Police Academy 15: In the Air Force!, what the hell is going on?

Now to be fair, apparently the fuses do not actually include any technology that could be used to make a nuclear bomb, so its not as if we just gave secrets to Taiwan disguised as helicopter batteries, but at the same time, it is technology used to trigger the weapon as the missile gets close, information by the way that could be useful to a country such as, oh I don't know China, which does have nuclear weapons. One nuclear weapons expert, Hans Kristensen even told the Taipei Times,

"So for a country like China, that is trying to develop more capable systems, that would be very important material to get," he said.

We can only hope that Steve Guttenburg is tracking that lead now.

BS of the Day Random Quiz

2008-03-25T16:45:00Z

Identify the following passage:

"Might sound like the theme to an interstellar broadcast of hullabaloo but this is no dance party. Strummed guitar and woodwinds anchor the smooth start, but before long the song sails into lurching seas that drench the pretty ballad in sickly synthesizers. Going on toggles between a brisk shimmy and a gospel symphony, navigating a split personality with the brash grace accessible to those rare artists who have mastered conventions with the sole intent of subverting them."

Is this...

A. John Updike's "Ode to Steely Dan"

B. The pitch for the opening scene of a new Star Trek movie

C. The most pretentious poem turned in at Hamline University's first year creative writing course

D. A review of the new Gnarls Barkley cd

(Cue Jeopardy music now...)

.....

........

...........

Times up, pencils down, indignation to follow. If you said D, you are correct, although any of the other answers would probably be more worthwhile. Yes, in the music review of The Odd Couple, Boston Globe writer Joan Anderman brings us through metaphors ranging from space to a tempest at sea to for some reason people with schizophrenia (who knew Sybil was actually just a misunderstood musician apparently she couldn't "master conventions with the sole purpose of subverting them") all while only describing two songs. I think its two songs at least, I got lost at sea between the interstellar broadcast and the alliteration orgy of sickly synthesizers. Now its obvious this writer just went a little overboard on thesaurus.com but...oh wait...other reviews...

The Onion: "the kaleidoscopic, casually continental The Odd Couple...These pop-art pranksters deliver at least three infectious delights for every arty misfire."

New york Times: "Packed with arid, minor-key cinematic flourishes — the film composer Ennio Morricone should get some sort of intellectual-property credit — it hovers between a timeless form of nostalgia and a timely strain of paranoia."

Los Angeles Times: "walls of percussion, stuttering electro-tribal beats, delicate bits of guitar, soaring strings and exuberant '60s dance music with vocals even more adept and soulful than last time."

Google Books: "A charming introduction into a hermit's life! Four weeks torture, tossing and sickness! Oh these bleak winds and bitter northern skies and impassable roads, and dilatory country surgeons!"

Actually that last one was from Wuthering Heights but it makes about as much damn sense. For newspapers, which of all our literary forms are the most terse and to the point and depend on simple descriptions of exactly what you need to know, why do the music review sections come off like a grad student trying to reach a term paper minimum? At the end of reading all those reviews, all you come away thinking is "Well I liked the first cd, maybe this is like that..." because to be honest, the Wuthering Heights review would probably give me a better tone of the actual music. Hermits life? Four weeks torture, tossing and sickness...I'm guessing Eliot Smith album, maybe Pink Floyd when we start talking about apocalyptic bleak winds and bitter northern skies. Either way, music reviewers when a Victorian writer is making more sense than you, you need to do some reevaluating.

And speaking of Floyd, check out this review in Rolling Stone for Dark Side of the Moon when it came out:
"David Gilmour's vocals are sometimes weak and lackluster and "The Great Gig in the Sky" (which closes the first side) probably could have been shortened or dispensed with, but these are really minor quibbles. The Dark Side of the Moon is a fine album with a textural and conceptual richness that not only invites, but demands involvement. There is a certain grandeur here that exceeds mere musical melodramatics and is rarely attempted in rock. The Dark Side of the Moon has flash -- the true flash that comes from the excellence of a superb performance."

Ahhhh straight to the point, it makes sense, even with the flowery language of "mere musical melodramatics", it doesn't give any metaphors about sea storms and Dark Side of the Moon is all confusing metaphors. And lets be honest, Gnarls has put together some excellent tracks but they are not rising to the level of complex baffling concept album that Pink Floyd was churning out. For gods sake, the lyrics of the song called Whatever consist of:

I don’t have any friends at all
Cause I have nothing in common with ya’ll
So who’s gonna catch me if I fall
My backs always against the wall
I don’t have anything to say
I want everything to go my way
Shut up mom it is not OK
I’m alone almost every day

But it’s cool (it’s cool)
It could be better (could be better)
I don’t care (I don’t care)
Whatever (whatever)
Hold up my man
La la la la lalala
Whatever
La la la la lalala
Whatever
La la la la lalala
Whatever
La la la la lalala

We're not talking The Roots social commentary here. So, music reviewers you've just lost your way. Take a deep breath, and if the album you are describing has lyrics less complicated than your description, put it down for a few minutes, write a poem, pull a Klosterman and write a meandering novel and then try again. No worries, we are still all very impressed.

An Apology?

2008-03-21T15:01:00Z

From the March 19th front page of the England tabloid, the Daily Express, which modestly names itself the World's Greatest Newspaper:

KATE AND GERRY MCCANN: SORRY

The Daily Express has taken the unprecedented step of making a front-page apology to Kate and Gerry McCann. We did so because we accept that a number of articles in the newspaper have suggested that the couple caused the death of their missing daughter Madeleine and then covered it up.We acknowledge that there is no evidence whatsoever to support this theory and that Kate and Gerry are completely innocent of any involvement in their daughter's disappearance.We trust that the suspicion that has clouded their lives for many months will soon be lifted. As an expression of its regret, the Daily Express has now paid a very substantial sum into the Madeleine Fund and we promise to do all in our power to help efforts to find her. Kate and Gerry, we are truly sorry to have added to your distress. We assure you that we hope Madeleine will one day be found alive and well and will be restored to her loving family.

The McCann's claimed last year that while they were on vacation in Portugal, they left their three children in the hotel room to have dinner with friends across the street. Checking up on them periodically, the wife Kate returned to find their daughter Madeline missing. The abduction touched off a worldwide search and publicity campaign spearheaded by the McCanns predicated on keeping national attention on their missing daughter. However, the attention soon turned suspicion toward the McCanns themselves with the Express among other papers bringing up allegations that ranged from gross negligence to being the ones responsible for their daughters disappearance through either her murder or sale into a slave trade ring. The apology from the Daily Express is indeed unprecedented, as most newspaper apologies are relegated to the back pages of editors corrections. However, commending the paper must be tapered by the fact that the apology was indeed part of the settlement agreement the paper reached with the McCanns, which also included reading the apology in court and £550,000 in libel damages by both tabloid newspapers, the Express and the Daily Star.

Yet still the apology and libel trial brings to mind the case of Richard Jewell, the Atlanta Olympics security guard who after discovering the bomb and clearing the area was later publicly condemned as the bomber himself when the FBI began investigating him. Jewell did win a number of libel judgments after being exonerated by the FBI, but without nearly the fanfare as the Express apology. More recently, with steroids allegations in sports, the question posed to those athletes that vehemently deny it is, why not pursue libel charges? The McCanns recent win seems to back up that opportunity and yet, the problem lies in the different approaches in English and American defamation law, in which the English are "pro-plaintiff", and American law is pro-defendant. Basically, all the McCanns had to prove was that the press had no evidence, whereas in the US they would have to prove the allegations were false. This becomes interesting as The Independent reported that US celebrities have begun suing National Inquirer offices in London for stories on them since they have a much better chance there than in the states. As a result, in the US, Lindsay Lohan would have to prove she didn't sleep with half of Southern California, in Britain the press needs to provide evidence she did. Though trust me the freckle-spotted herpes is usually a dead give away.

Is Wright Wrong?

2008-03-20T14:55:00Z

Is Wright Wrong?

Emotion has an odd effect in our society. It isn't really established what lines are too far to cross and what is perfectly acceptable, and yet it seems as soon as that line is crossed we are unanimous in our derision. Hillary crying in New Hampshire = commendable, making her more human. Howard Dean over-excited in 2004 = over the top. Cuba Gooding Jr. jumped around on stage at the Oscar and became lovable, Tom Cruise jumped on a sofa and he became universally psychotic. We want our public figures to be human, but not too human, emotional but not actually emotional, passionate but not committed. Under this guise, all you need to damn someone is just an instance of them crossing the line (Howard Dean) and then step back for the firebombing to begin. At that point, we stop listening to what the person is saying and really just take them for the emotion, the style blotting out the substance.

This brings us to Wright.

Reverend Wright is of course the oft-played minister of Obama, and his screaming tirades are playing more on You Tube than that kid pissing and moaning about Britney. He's loud, he's abrasive, and controversial to be sure. But anytime general terms, and for that matter, extremely damning ones, like anti-semite, racist, and America-hater get thrown around, there better be some substance not style because anyone can have a five second clip of their life brought up to invite one of those terms, whether because of a joke, frustration or simply great editing. So instead look beyond the inflammatory sounding remarks and try to figure out what the person is actually saying, what they are actually driving at. As Reverend Wanda Harris Watkins told the Boston Globe, "The South Side of Chicago is no cakewalk - its a tough place - so he speaks the language of the streets." Being P.C. doesn't reach people who are living in squallor and don't have the time for empty rhetoric.

In one of the most played clips, the Hillary one, he is very adamant that the US and the world for that matter have been mostly run by rich white men and that Hillary has never had to wait for a cab, has never had "her people defined as non-people". Understandably, the red flags go up quick on this one. Clearly, he is setting up a black power initiative to take over the world, right? Thats certainly the way its been played and yet there are two very important sentences in this clip. One is which he says "I am sick of Negroes who just don't get it" and the other is "Hillary has never had her own people say she wasn't white enough." So beyond the racial overtones and being pissed off at the people in charge, whats he actually driving at? He's making a pitch for Obama, saying that all of the claims that Obama wasn't black enough, which was the talking point then, are baseless and out of order in the black community. He's talking to the black community after all, not making a stump speech to the nation, but rather talking to his congregation in "the language of the streets" his disgust at this idea of "not black enough" and the argument amongst the community for voting instead to get Bill Clinton back in office.

This isn't to defend his viewpoint or even apologize for them but instead, open up the fact that as 5 second clips ran out, Wright became the new radical leader of the Black Power movement in common society. His God Damn America clip was certainly pissed off and over the top, but Anti-American? Or just anti-American foreign policy? Is saying that bombing people over the years pissed them off and maybe made them want to attack us mean that we deserved it? Just because an effect has a cause doesn't mean it was a proper response. Hell if someone pissed on my shoes and my response was to castrate them, it would still be their cause but I'd still be way the hell out of bounds. But the BS inherent in these rallying cries against him is that he angrily yelled these things. We're more shocked about the style than the substance. Whereas, Jerry Fallwell calmly said, with Pat Robertson concurring: "the pagans, the abortionists, the feminists, the gays, the lesbians...the ACLU..all those that tried to secularize America" were the ones who helped 9/11 happen. As far as I can tell, that would be about 95% of the country, so isnt that the same as saying it was America's fault? Yet outrage was pretty limited and John McCains recent ties to Pat Robertson have been seen as him reaching out to the Republican base.

The point is that calling out Wright is pretty damn easy, so at least call him out over substance instead of style, actually listen to the argument before coming up with a counter based on sound bytes. But Wright is generally considered a great humanitarian across the country who is simply too immersed in his struggle to be PC, and for that matter so is Geraldine Ferraro, who is just overly dedicated to the feminist cause and wasn't being PC. Thats why neither of them are viable candidates for President. The ones we have, are. So, lets get back to the actual election and points, instead of these loose stories that really have nothing to do with politics. Well, at least now that Edwards is out of the race, did you know he got a 300 dollar hair cut? Clearly not a good candidate.

Supporting your Local Prostitute

2008-03-19T16:04:00Z

Poor Ashley Dupre. According to her My Space profile, the young lass entered New York with wide eyed dreams and a desperate need to get away from a desperate situation. As so many misguided girls before her, the sexy world of high class prostitution lured her in with empty promises of incredible riches and dreams of becoming Julia Roberts. But Spitzer and his "dangerous" sexual interests (he would be playing Richard Gere in this film right? In that case, are his interests also gerbil related?) have lifted her from this hapless existence with a burgeoning music career, a supposed book deal, a NY Post pictorial and a $1 million dollar offer from Larry Flynt to pose in Hustler, not to mention a soon to be re-released Girls Gone Wild she appeared in when she was 18. It really seems like everyone is jumping on to make as much money as possible from her 15 minutes of fame. However, as always, not everyone is so overt about their remora skill set. So, BS of the Day presents the hall of fame of Dupre lackeys, who quite obviously only have her interests in mind.

5. Facebook:

Ashley Alexandra Dupre (Ashley Youmans) was in my Class!

Ahh the greatest of all connections to someone, the fact that you may have passed them once in a high school hallway. While the cynics could say this is just a way for a number of acquaintances to jump on to the spotlight, it is very obvious right away that the bonds of high school preclude all thoughts toward riches and fame.

Many "hope it dies down soon" and Rob Monteleone opines "One of those garbage news stations called me and asked me to comment, all i said was that i didn't see how it was relevant to ask former peers of hers to comment on an issue like this...just stupid." No word yet on how a facebook profile entirely based around being in the same school as her is relevant.

Founder of the site, Mike Grossman, gives her the encouraging passing of the torch by saying "and everyone thought i was going to be the first to make national news. Ha." Apparently, the "Most Likely to Succeed" designation in Wall, NJ was replaced by the "Most Likely to Be Involved in a National Scandal" Way to go, NJ, keep reaching for those stars.

4.

Ashley Alexandra Dupre, On her side.'s Wall

One of a hundred facebook groups apparently set up to give people a place to argue over the blame on home-wrecking. However, Sara Phillips gives this impassioned defense:

"she isn't your average ho, ms. louise. anybody can stand on a street corner for a few extra bucks. she worked for a high-end escort service. a la the new movie bank job or john steinbeck's east of eden."

Steinbeck? really?

3.    "If there were someone destined to be a high class call girl..."

In seemingly direct argument with poor Mike Grossman, Cathleen Alburtus claims at 1:22 that Ashley was doomed very early on.   "She was labeled. The Easy one." Proof that once again girl feuds will last many many years and will inevitably end with one of them calling the other a longtime tramp on local television.

2. "The King of All Pimps"
The BullShit Flag is flying so high on this one its a shock it hasnt flown off the mast. Not only does Jason Itzler go from just a Pimp Expert on Anderson Cooper (by the by, who has the job at cnn to find a pimp expert?) who says:

"No, I think she's typical of what's called the girl next door. This girl looks like she's maybe like 5'4'' or 5'5'', 5'6''. She's not a serious fashion model. She's a very pretty young girl. She has a nice body. I don't know if her boobs are real or not, but she looks good."

to her actual pimp on Larry King in a mere 24 hours, claiming that in the first interview he hadn't seen a picture of her yet. This is understandable since the story and pictures were so inconspicuous. But going along with the idea that one bad heaping pile of crap deserves another he later goes on to say that this was "his girl" and that he even set up a three-way with her and charlie sheen.   All of this would be hilariously forgettable but naming yourself "King of All Pimps". Thats jumping the shark. Everyone already knows who that is...

1. The Media Outcry

Ahh the media, the one stop shop for all the bullshit you can dream of. In fact, the media has become an interesting dichotomy of disdain for Spitzer and heartfelt celebratizing of the victim, Dupre. Spitzer was out of the news cycle within 24 hours of resigning, Ashley's reign has lasted long enough to bring up old friends, old pimps, and even her brother, who was later arrested for heroin possession. CNN even has a correspondent whose only job seems to be monitoring her Facebook and MySpace accounts.

But the ultimate in bullshitology goes to good old Bill O'Reilly who recently wrote in his Mar. 13 column: "Governor Spitzer had to know that repeated visits with people breaking the law, prostitutes, put him at enormous risk. At any time, any one of those ladies might have been arrested and, facing prosecution, could have easily offered authorities Spitzer's name in return for having all charges dropped. The ladies also could have blackmailed Spitzer, could have sold their stories about him to the tabloid media, could have done many things to destroy his life." "A self-destructive, self-loathing personality will find a way to blow everything up, and it doesn't matter what kind of career the person has. We all know people like this. Stay away from them."

His feelings on this subject have been strong both in writing and on TV that this story is disgusting, depraved, and evidently that these "ladies" were eventually going to strong arm Spitzer. He certainly has featured Dupre on his broadcasts all week, just as everyone else has but he sees through the pop star/prostitute to the succubus inside. One can only wonder how Bill has managed to keep himself angry at this temptress. Oh...right.